What to do rushes between me and my wife. My husband rushes between me and his mistress. When the mind is powerless

Days, weeks, months pass, and he keeps thinking about who is closer and dearer to him - you or her... Such a plot is good for a series, but you would not envy anyone to become a participant in it in real life. What to do if you find yourself in such a triangle, which sucks you in no worse than the Bermuda triangle? And most importantly, how not to lose yourself in the battle for love?

Return to yourself

Women who find themselves in this situation tend to focus entirely on the man. They torment themselves with questions: “What is going on in his soul, what is he thinking about?”, “When will he make a choice?”, “What are my chances of success and what should I do to increase them?”

On the one hand, this position is understandable. But on the other hand, she drives them into a corner. By shifting the focus of attention to the man, the woman gives all control over the situation into his hands, while she obediently awaits his decision. And even if she actively tries to tip the scales in her favor, the man still acts as a referee, determining which of the rivals is more worthy of the award.

This is why it is so important to regain at least some control. To do this, you need to convince yourself that you are not a dumb victim of circumstances, but an adult, independent person who manages her life and is capable of making her own decisions. In other words, you must shift the focus of attention from the man to yourself. To do this, answer the following questions frankly:

“How do I feel about what is happening in my life?”, “What emotions do I experience?”, “Do they give me more joy or pain?” It is important to understand that in your soul there is a place not only for resentment and anxiety, but also for indignation at what is happening.

“What am I ready to put up with and what am I not?”, “What can you do with me and what can’t you do with me?” For example, you decide that you can turn a blind eye to your man’s regular overnight stays with another woman. But you are outraged that she calls you at home when you are together.

“How long can I live in uncertainty and wait for him to make a choice?” Here you must set yourself a specific deadline - a month, six months. This will give you confidence. Yes, you can give both yourself and him deferments. But if you want to change your life, don't turn it into an endless series of Mondays that never come.

Mistakes that women often make

1 They constantly ask their loved one how he feels, trying to understand what is happening. However, sometimes a man himself is happy to share his experiences, habitually trying to get sympathy and support from his partner. It is very important not to get lost in his emotions. Remember that you have your own feelings. And if a man’s emotional outpourings hurt you, don’t hesitate to tell him about it.

2 They take the blame for everything that happens. Yes, there were probably problems in your relationship. (And who doesn’t have them!) But of the many ways to react to them, the man absolutely consciously chose the path of “bigamy.” And responsibility for actions always lies with the one who committed them.

3 They allow a man to openly disrespect himself. Talking about how well your rival cooks or having phone conversations with her in your presence are all quite humiliating. Why tolerate this attitude? You have self-esteem!

4 They are trying to find out as much as possible about their opponent. You shouldn’t do this, because by thinking about this woman and competing with her, you are giving her a place in your life. Moreover, you blur the boundaries of your couple with a man by letting a stranger into it.

5 They don't think about what will happen if they win. It’s not for nothing that they say: we hold tightest not what we need, but what breaks free. Therefore, be sure to ask yourself: are you ready to spend your whole life with a person who caused you so much pain? Can you trust him?

6 They make rash decisions. Yes, waiting for a man to make his choice is unbearable. But don't slam the door if you're not really ready for a breakup. After all, then, most likely, you will be haunted by thoughts that you got carried away. And if after such a drastic step you return to him, you will probably find yourself in an even more dependent position.

Life after the fight

What to do if a man prefers someone else to you? Oddly enough, for many women this outcome is simpler and more understandable than the opposite. Yes, they are hurt and offended, but it is clear what will happen next. We need to live, heal heart wounds and prepare for new relationships.

But what to do if your loved one ultimately chooses you? How can I learn to trust him again when he says he’s working late or going to see friends? How can he stop flinching when he receives a call from an unfamiliar or too familiar number? In such a situation, a woman either constantly breaks down, remembering the man’s past, or is so happy about the reunion that she swallows everything, fearing to frighten off her beloved. But in both cases, her pain and resentment have not disappeared, but continue to poison the relationship.

How to leave this painful story in the past and not let it ruin your present and future?

Firstly, don't act like nothing happened. Lost trust is like a serious fracture - it will take a lot of time to recover. To speed up the healing process, you need to clearly identify in which areas you now do not fully trust your man and what you can do to protect yourself. For example, while he was choosing who to be with, he hardly helped you raise your baby. Then agree on small but regular deductions from his salary to your account. If your rival was his colleague, ask the man to make an effort and change jobs. This will make you feel calmer.

Secondly, It is important to talk to each other honestly, but without accusations, about what happened. Discuss what you can do to prevent this from happening again. It is best to do this together with a family psychologist who will help you dot all the i's without quarrels.

Third, it is necessary to “interrupt” the memories of the past difficult period with bright positive emotions. A vacation trip will help a lot - something like a honeymoon. By the way, if some things or events are poisoned for you by the presence of your rival, try to overcome it. Let's say she worked as an Italian teacher, and now you don't want to eat pasta and pizza, not wanting to remember her again. To correct this “distortion” before it turns into a fad, you need pleasant impressions associated with something Italian. For example, a trip to Rome or several romantic dinners in an Italian restaurant. Then Italy will cease to be That woman's territory and will become your own.

Hello. I am 29 years old. My husband too. We have been married for 7 years, unofficially, and 5 years, officially. We have two children - 4 years old and 1 year old.
My husband works in the vehicle maintenance industry. At first they worked, then they started earning money. My first son was born, I went on maternity leave. The husband began to earn good money, got into a large company, and began moving up the career ladder. And I'm at home with my son. I am a good housewife, many people praise me. At first we didn't quarrel very much. Mainly because of his habit of drinking a bottle or two of beer after work. At first I tried to fight this, then when I realized that quarrels arise only because of this, I stopped resisting. Three years later, a second son was born. Without leaving the first maternity leave, I went on the second.
I understand that my husband was no longer interested in me. There is nothing to talk to me about except news about children. Although, I am always interested in his affairs. I blame myself for the fact that these 4 years of maternity leave have degraded me as a person. Outwardly, I have not changed and am completely back in shape. He loves children very much, but spends literally half an hour with them for 4-5 days when he comes home to change clothes.
And so, literally six months ago, my husband began to leave for a day, then two. He explained this either by being busy at work or leaving home for several days after the slightest quarrel.
2 months ago I found out that he was in an affair. This relationship is at least 4 months old. All the facts indicate that he spends time with his mistress in a company where they love nightclubs and various parties. They smoke with her too. It’s scary to think, but I assume that besides weed, there is something more serious there.
I started a small business in addition to my main job. Spinning like a squirrel in a wheel. I think that he does not spend all his time with his mistress. According to the facts, he is really torn between work, business, family and mistress.
When he comes home, he always brings a lot of food for me and the children. It seems to me that he is trying to make amends for his guilt. We don't need money either. He can't look me in the eyes. But I can’t understand whether it’s a feeling of guilt or just hostility. I don’t create scandals, I think that by doing this I will push him away even more. But it is very difficult to greet with a smile a husband who comes 5 days later from another woman.
I've lost a lot of weight. Seeing what happened to me due to nervousness, he feels sorry for me. He says: “What a fool I am, what did I do to you.” But still nothing changes.
I worry a lot, I love him madly, I’m ready to forgive, but he asks me to wait. The only thing he did after that. when the fact of betrayal was revealed - he simply agreed with all the facts that I presented to him. I don’t know if he feels guilty, but he’s not going to blame himself, he constantly avoids the conversation. Although I am sure this cannot continue. He must make a decision.

Hello, Anastasia! let's look at what's going on:

At first we didn't quarrel very much. Mainly because of his habit of drinking a bottle or two of beer after work.

and this is the beginning of alcoholism! It’s worth thinking about - a person is prone to addiction, immature (after all, KNOWING that he has a family, children, he still drinks! This means he cannot make a choice, make a decision!)

2 months ago I found out that he was in an affair. This relationship is at least 4 months old. All the facts indicate that he spends time with his mistress in a company where they love nightclubs and various parties. They smoke with her too. It’s scary to think, but I assume that besides weed, there is something more serious there.

this is a continuation of his fatality and immaturity - he shows his generally irresponsible position! and for you yourself it is worth noting that IT IS NORMAL FOR HIM to change and choose such a lifestyle! think - what kind of HIM DO YOU LOVE - the way he REALLY is? or the way you would like him to be???

Maybe! because now YOU - KNOWING that he is cheating, that all this continues - ACCEPTED all this - stayed with him, accept him back, show that you are ready to accept this too! and seeing his elections, seeing his behavior - it will be NORMAL for him not to make a decision - but why? the wife KNOWS and accepts! A relationship with your mistress WITHOUT responsibility and obligations is very convenient! and if he is immature and irresponsible, then he will NOT resolve the situation, but will wait until THEY DO IT FOR HIM - either YOU will break off the relationship or continue to torment yourself or your mistress will end the relationship! YOU need NOT wait for a decision FROM HIM - but make a decision YOURSELF - DO YOU ACCEPT CHANGE??? if NO, then the solution is not to wait until he understands it, but to resolve the situation yourself - to show it to both him and yourself! and while you are in a relationship with him, he has no motivation to change anything! The decision is still YOURS to make!

Good answer 3 Bad answer 3

Anastasia,

Finding out that your beloved husband has another woman is a serious test. And when you meet him, you can behave in different ways. But most women, unfortunately, behave in a stereotypical way: they expose, present and demand from the man to decide who he is with.

We know where this path leads. To scandals, promises that will not be kept later and to an obvious break when the spouses separate, or hidden when he remains in the family, but there is no longer an atmosphere of trust and community in it. And he lives forever feeling guilty. And she is stuck in the role of victim and accuser at the same time.

Do you really want to go down this path? At least now you have started moving in this direction.

First of all, you placed responsibility for the decision on your husband. You ask him to decide. But, think about it, if he had decided to leave you already, he would have left. And here he is rushing about, and between what and what, let’s try to understand.

If you are ready, then instead of “madly” loving him, you need to learn to love smartly, behave wisely and like an adult woman.

Think about it, you need to demand to choose between you and your mistress. Maybe you should start to change and change your relationship with your husband in a favorable direction. This is not just one day's work, but daily work.

Being a mother and a loving, beloved woman are not the same thing. You have focused on being a mother, but have forgotten about being a loving and loved woman.

Consider starting individual work with a psychologist (possibly on Skype) towards discovering and developing your feminine potential. You can contact me.

All the best,

Sincerely

Alyokhina Elena Vasilievna, psychologist Moscow

Good answer 3 Bad answer 2

Question to a psychologist

Asked by: Anastasia

Hello. I am 29 years old. My husband too. We have been married for 7 years, unofficially, and 5 years, officially. We have two children - 4 years old and 1 year old. My husband works in the vehicle maintenance industry. At first they worked, then they started earning money. My first son was born, I went on maternity leave. The husband began to earn good money, got into a large company, and began moving up the career ladder. And I'm at home with my son. I am a good housewife, many people praise me. At first we didn't quarrel very much. Mainly because of his habit of drinking a bottle or two of beer after work. At first I tried to fight this, then when I realized that quarrels arise only because of this, I stopped resisting. Three years later, a second son was born. Without leaving the first maternity leave, I went on the second. I understand that my husband was no longer interested in me. There is nothing to talk to me about except news about children. Although, I am always interested in his affairs. I blame myself for the fact that these 4 years of maternity leave have degraded me as a person. Outwardly, I have not changed and am completely back in shape. He loves children very much, but spends literally half an hour with them for 4-5 days when he comes home to change clothes. And so, literally six months ago, my husband began to leave for a day, then two. He explained this either by being busy at work or leaving home for several days after the slightest quarrel. 2 months ago I found out that he was in an affair. This relationship is at least 4 months old. All the facts indicate that he spends time with his mistress in a company where they love nightclubs and various parties. They smoke with her too. It’s scary to think, but I assume that besides weed, there is something more serious there. I started a small business in addition to my main job. Spinning like a squirrel in a wheel. I think that he does not spend all his time with his mistress. According to the facts, he is really torn between work, business, family and mistress. When he comes home, he always brings a lot of food for me and the children. It seems to me that he is trying to make amends for his guilt. We don't need money either. He can't look me in the eyes. But I can’t understand whether it’s a feeling of guilt or just hostility. I don’t create scandals, I think that by doing this I will push him away even more. But it is very difficult to greet with a smile a husband who comes 5 days later from another woman. I've lost a lot of weight. Seeing what happened to me due to nervousness, he feels sorry for me. He says: “What a fool I am, what did I do to you.” But still nothing changes. I worry a lot, I love him madly, I’m ready to forgive, but he asks me to wait. The only thing he did after that. when the fact of betrayal was revealed - he simply agreed with all the facts that I presented to him. I don’t know if he feels guilty, but he’s not going to blame himself, he constantly avoids the conversation. Although I am sure this cannot continue. He must make a decision.

Answers from psychologists

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna

Psychologist Moscow

Hello, Anastasia! let's look at what's going on:

At first we didn't quarrel very much. Mainly because of his habit of drinking a bottle or two of beer after work.

and this is the beginning of alcoholism! It’s worth thinking about it - the person is prone to addiction, immature (after all, KNOWING that he has a family, children, he still drinks! This means he cannot make a choice, make a decision!)

2 months ago I found out that he was in an affair. This relationship is at least 4 months old. All the facts indicate that he spends time with his mistress in a company where they love nightclubs and various parties. They smoke with her too. It’s scary to think, but I assume that besides weed, there is something more serious there.

this is a continuation of his fatality and immaturity - he shows his generally irresponsible position! and for you yourself it is worth noting that IT IS NORMAL FOR HIM to change and choose such a lifestyle! think - what kind of HIM DO YOU LOVE - the way he REALLY is? or the way you would like him to be???

Maybe! because now YOU - KNOWING that he is cheating, that all this continues - ACCEPTED all this - stayed with him, accept him back, show that you are ready to accept this too! and seeing his elections, seeing his behavior - it will be NORMAL for him not to make a decision - but why? the wife KNOWS and accepts! A relationship with your mistress WITHOUT responsibility and obligations is very convenient! and if he is immature and irresponsible, then he will NOT resolve the situation, but will wait until THEY DO IT FOR HIM - either YOU will break off the relationship or continue to torment yourself or your mistress will end the relationship! YOU need NOT wait for a decision FROM HIM - but make a decision YOURSELF - DO YOU ACCEPT CHANGE??? if NO, then the solution is not to wait until he understands it, but to resolve the situation yourself - to show it to both him and yourself! and while you are in a relationship with him, he has no motivation to change anything! The decision is still YOURS to make!

Alyokhina Elena Vasilievna

Psychologist Moscow

At this time, this psychologist does not answer questions from site visitors. You can ask questions to other psychologists

Anastasia,

Finding out that your beloved husband has another woman is a serious test. And when you meet him, you can behave in different ways. But most women, unfortunately, behave in a stereotypical way: they expose, present and demand from the man to decide who he is with.

We know where this path leads. To scandals, promises that will not be fulfilled and to an obvious break when spouses separate, or hidden when he remains in the family, but there is no longer an atmosphere of trust and community in it. And he lives forever feeling guilty. And she is stuck in the role of victim and accuser at the same time.

Do you really want to go down this path? At least now you have started moving in this direction.

First of all, you placed responsibility for the decision on your husband. You ask him to decide. But, think about it, if he had decided to leave you already, he would have left. And here he is rushing about, and between what and what, let’s try to understand.

It seems that between family, beloved wife, children and vivid sexual impressions, supported by alcohol and possibly drugs.

He got carried away because he got married early, because he is young, because he is emotional, because he needs drive and because he is a man...

And it’s difficult for him now. He is trying to make a difficult but correct decision. And this is his business, his work, his life test.

What about you? You need to decide whether you need it. Are you ready to fight for your family, for your love.

If you are ready, then instead of “madly” loving him, you need to learn to love smartly, behave wisely and like an adult woman.

Think about it, you need to demand to choose between you and your mistress. Maybe you should start to change and change your relationship with your husband in a favorable direction. This is not just one day's work, but daily work.

Being a mother and a loving, beloved woman are not the same thing. You have focused on being a mother, but have forgotten about being a loving and loved woman.

Consider starting individual work with a psychologist (possibly on Skype) towards discovering and developing your feminine potential. You can contact me.

All the best,

Sincerely

Alyokhina Elena Vasilievna, psychologist Moscow

06.11.2013 | 1399

www.all-psy.com

My husband rushes between me and his mistress

I am 36 years old, my husband is 39, we lived for 17 years and never even argued. We have two children, 13 and 11 years old. We live in a village, there is no work here, I don’t work, and my husband works in the city. A year and a half ago, my husband had a woman in the city for a year, I didn’t know anything, then I accidentally found out and he confessed everything. We talked, discussed everything, he said that he loves me and he doesn’t want to leave the children.

The next day I called this woman and said that he was staying in the family and asked for my forgiveness, I forgave him. He is a very good father and loves his children, and I also thought about the children first of all. A few days later he went on a business trip, he called and talked as much as he could. nothing happened. At the end of the business trip, he visited her again, he knew that I knew about it, he stayed there for 2 days, then he came home.

Again he asked for forgiveness, swore his love, said that he couldn’t stay there for more than two days. I don’t want to destroy the family, so I forgive everything. Moreover, I don’t hold him, I say if you leave, leave forever, but he himself doesn’t want to leave. This has been going on for half a year for me Of course, I just don’t have the strength anymore, the most important thing is that trust has left the family, I think that’s the most important thing.

A month ago he made up his mind and left, said that it was forever, but after 8 days he returned, he said that he couldn’t live without us, that he loved him, asked for forgiveness, begged, said that he wanted to start all over again. I don’t know how to be, having been deceived so many times, you can say betrayed. He says that more He won’t date that woman. I kind of want to save the family and I can’t trust him anymore.

I’m at home, he’s on a business trip, how do I know, maybe he’s calling her, maybe he’s negotiating something. All these thoughts and mistrust gnaw at me every day. I don’t know how to behave with him, he pretends that everything is fine, because for all the time he’s been unfaithful in his sexual life Nothing has changed with us, one might say it has become even better. The feeling of resentment was replaced by distrust and the expectation that he would leave me.

By nature I am an optimist and am used to analyzing everything before making a decision. But now I don’t know what to do, how to behave, how to regain trust. Please help me with advice. I would like advice from a psychologist. My husband is rushing between me and his mistress and doesn’t know who to choose, he says I love both. All this time I have been fighting to save my family, but I simply don’t have the strength anymore.

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Is your husband rushing between you and your mistress? What should I do?

Your husband is rushing between you and his mistress, how to get out of the love triangle as a winner? Read the answer!

Greetings. Victoria Vlasova is with you. I help women get their loved ones back, save relationships if they are on the verge of breaking up. And I know exactly how you can improve your personal life using my author’s technique.

I will reveal the topic of today’s article using the example of Polina’s story. She wrote to me by email.

Polina writes:

Hello Victoria! I'm going through a difficult period in my life. The husband left for someone else without explaining himself, vilely, secretly. We've been married for almost 20 years. This situation has been going on for four years now.

He doesn’t want to get a divorce, rushes about, avoids conversation. I see it’s difficult for him, but he doesn’t want to put an end to anyone either. When I decide to put an end to it myself, he appears again and gives some hope for the family, and again everything goes in a circle.

I’m tired, I’ve lost my health, I have a terrible long-term depression... Of course, I would like to save my family, we lived well, but I’m tired, I have no health, life is a burden. Adult children, their own families, their own worries, I was left alone. I don’t know what to do, what to do, how to live, but I understand that this shouldn’t continue...

What to do if your husband rushes between you and his mistress

Polina, I understand you. That it’s hard and offensive for you. From practice, I noticed that some men are in no hurry to put a period, but leave a comma. Now let's think about why?

The man lived a long time with his wife. He studied her, knows all her strengths and weaknesses. Can easily predict her behavior and mood. And he left for someone else because something didn’t suit him in the marriage.

So, on one side of the scale, the book you read is your wife, and on the other, a mysterious stranger.

A man is afraid to completely break off relations with his wife, because if things don’t work out with his mistress, he can always go back. And he knows that his wife will accept and forgive him. Such a vicious circle can last for years...

In this situation, the man wins. Because he sits on two chairs. And he sits because women who are afraid of losing and tolerate it peacefully allow him.

Your actions

If the wife wants to bring her husband back. It must stop being convenient and always at hand. This is easy to say, but difficult to do on your own.

To make it work you need:

1. Remove the fear of losing a man. Because you cannot do anything if you are under the influence of fear. Stabilize your internal state.
2. Raise your value and importance.
3. Take control of the current situation into your own hands. Communicate when it’s convenient for you, and not when the man feels like it.

Girls, I tell you in detail how to do all this in my training “How to get your loved one back using magic SMS.” Since there are 5 hours of material and various nuances, I, as you understand, cannot tell in one article. That's why I recorded the training for you.

You can register here...

Registration for training

Apply the technique and improve your personal life. The training is online and you can take it from anywhere in the world and whenever it suits you.

I repeat - it is very difficult to get out of this vicious circle on your own. I am ready to help you if you allow me. Using my technique, hundreds of women have successfully improved their personal lives. You can do this too.

Review

For example, my student Margarita brought her husband back to the family using the strategy from the training.

Just like you, she doubted, didn’t believe, was afraid, but she really wanted to be with her beloved man. And she took a risk and didn’t regret it for a second. Step by step their relationship was restored. I won't say it's an easy process. Not at all. But there are chances.

Girls, if you want to make peace with your partner. I invite you to my training. Together we will move towards your goal. You will have a step-by-step strategy and support and answers to all your questions.

You have a much better chance of getting everything right when you understand how to position yourself, what to write and say. Rather than leave everything as is, or act at random.

Registration for training

If you have any questions, ask in the comments.

And I will give you a few more examples of the successful return of men:

If you want me to delve into your unique situation and help you figure it out. I answered your questions, sign up for a consultation with me!

viktoria-vlasova.ru

DEDICATED TO ALL WIVES AND LOVERS!!!

The love triangle itself is contrary to the happiness of three people. When feelings cool down in a family, a mistress appears. I never judge mistresses. Alas, feeling does not choose either free men or free women. Each of us can be a wife today, and tomorrow a mistress, and vice versa. At first, the mistress is satisfied with the state of affairs when she is in the background, and then the euphoria passes and the woman feels used. There is a feeling that you are simply being used as an alternate airfield and being pushed back to the third, fourth, fifth plan. A mistress keeps someone else's husband in good shape and introduces an element of intrigue into the relationship. But now the man’s sexual need is satisfied, and he stops being angry with his wife. In addition, the spouse feels guilty towards the other half, forgives her for any actions and tries to do something nice. For example, he starts giving gifts. We like to condemn women who agreed to become mistresses. They say they are breaking up the family. In fact, “homewreckers” themselves are most often captured by their own illusions. There are no ideal marriages. An exemplary family man one day falls in love and begins to build relationships on the side. And this is not banal adultery. It is possible that the man still loves his wife and is simply trying to get what he lacks within the framework of marriage. Most often this is passion and sex with a feeling of novelty, that is, sexual needs that have become dull and do not provide satisfaction in the family. Over the years, the couple's sex life becomes boring, unexciting and even insipid. Many people are least interested in the intimate sphere. One of the partners still feels young and full of energy, and is not satisfied with a sluggish life. This is how a lover or mistress appears in a couple. Parallel relationships arise when emptiness and inferiority are acutely felt. A man still wants to feel attractive, needed, loved. He is the first to feel the lack of emotional warmth. Perhaps, at first, a married man and his mistress are connected simply by good sex, but it may also happen that they become truly attached to each other. Even if this is not just passion, but true love, a rare representative of the stronger sex is capable of sharp make a choice between a habit and a new relationship. He is tormented by a feeling of guilt before his lawful half and rushes between his wife and his beloved. The situation “husband, wife and mistress” can last for years. Often everyone suffers. The wife who gave her best years to her husband is suffering. The lover who has been living with hope and dreams for years suffers. A man suffers who does not want to lose either one or the other. Either a break occurs or a family of higher quality is created. If there is no development in the triangle, two people simply meet and do not take concrete steps towards each other, you need to run away from such a relationship. This will drag on for many years, and one day the mistress will come to the realization that a married man is a waste of her years. Anyone who really wants to change their life will not delay, but will take a decisive step within a year. Therefore, to avoid excruciating pain, it is better to consider a married lover as a temporary hobby until there is no more worthy candidate. There are many cases when a man leaves his family, creates a new one, and after a while becomes the lover of his ex-wife. He begins to go to his former family, supposedly to help, because now the former household members are left alone. They are not strangers to him, he cannot refuse them. And one day he will say: “I can’t.” Pulls me there... - You can’t, so come back. - Understand, you are better than her, - the man will begin to make excuses. - Life with you is like living at a luxury resort. And from any resort you always want to return home. A man will pack his things and return to the family he left behind. And there are also options when, after returning, he again begins to rush between two women. The stronger sex is afraid of change. Men are held back by many everyday habits. For men, the word “love” is most often associated with sex, but not with life together. For them, marriage is a familiar way of life. A man can convince his mistress for years that he will leave for her forever, and even begins to believe it himself, but subconsciously looks for a reason to postpone this decision indefinitely. Men are terrible owners. Even having created a new family, many of them will not tolerate their ex-wife’s personal life. Seeing a stranger in their apartment who communicates like a father with someone else’s daughter or son, and behaves as if this is his territory, many immediately become furious. Often, the news of his ex-wife’s new chosen one stimulates a man to a new wave of feelings, and he does everything possible to return to his native land. The possessive instinct can push him into the arms of his ex-wife. The main reason for the love triangle is stagnation in the couple’s relationship. There is no movement - and there is no development, and what does not move - as we know, dies. This also applies to the sexual sphere. Over the years, people stop wanting each other. In this situation, it is important to add firewood in time so that the slightly smoldering fire does not go out completely, leaving two people in the ashes of their former love. I always like the words of my beloved Coco Chanel: “To be irreplaceable, you must always change.” Therefore, in any family there must be a dynamic relationship that both partners must work on. Only then will the union of two be strong and reliable. Many women, after getting married, calm down. They believe that the man is already in the stall and is not going anywhere. When the relationship has gone completely wrong, the mistress is simply a reason to leave the family. Otherwise, the power is on the wife’s side, because she is more familiar and familiar. Cheating can destroy a family, or it can strengthen it. A man sometimes understands that there is no better woman than his own wife. It is important that girls who enter into relationships with married men understand: a man starts an affair not because he has stopped loving his wife. It is not always so. With his eternal promises to divorce, he drives his new lover into a trap, deprives her of tomorrow and does everything possible to tie her to himself as tightly as possible. Taking someone else's husband away from the family is not the greatest happiness. There is no guarantee that someone will not steal it from you. After you get together and start living together, the man will still look for a better life. I never moralize and do not want to judge women who have lovers and men who have mistresses. That's life. We are all trying to find someone to make us happy and build a relationship based on love, intimacy and respect. Don't despair and wait for your happiness! Don't waste your time on frivolous affairs. Whoever you are - a wife or a mistress, let's understand and forgive each other. And now some advice for wives and mistresses, because I am for women's solidarity.1. Love your man not for his words, but for his actions. Words are nothing. Actions are everything.2. If you want to live with this man, think about which life is better: with him or without him.3. Never look for excuses for those male actions that cannot be justified.4. Love yourself more than him, then any pain that HE inflicts on you will not be able to unsettle you and seriously hurt you.5. Remember that you are an INDIVIDUALS, do not become dependent and do not give all of yourself without reserve.6. I don't believe in misalliances. Tested for myself. A man should be your equal. Alas, life shows that misalliances are not viable.7. Know: you can always influence your circumstances. Don't become a pawn for manipulation. Whatever your status - wife or mistress, you should always be active and strong.8. No matter how fate hits you, raise your head and straighten your shoulders. You are the most charming and attractive. Don't even dare doubt it. If your husband has left for someone else, silently sympathize with that woman, because it is still unknown who was lucky. Now your ex-husband is her problem and headache. You have freedom ahead of you. Take a deep breath and remember that you have the right to ONE MORE LOVE. If your man decides to stay in his previous family, sincerely wish him happiness and be glad that everything was resolved so successfully, because the status of an eternal lover is not for you. Enough of sitting on the bench, it's time to move into the first team. Just to boost your self-esteem, which your married man so skillfully destroyed. Now you need to go in search of YOUR man. Stop using someone else's. Let's fight for the purity of relationships. It’s such happiness to be a man’s only one. I admit honestly, I was both a wife and a mistress... It all depends on the person who is nearby. One made me the happiest wife, the other - the most unhappy wife... I was able to take someone else’s husband away from the family, but soon I realized: he is not at all the one I need. I just took someone else’s, but never managed to feel it as my own... Years later, I came to the conclusion that marriage is one of the games of society. I don't play these games yet. It is very difficult for me to exist within the framework of marriage. If a woman respects herself and loves - no matter what her status is - a wife or a mistress, she will not allow herself to humiliate herself in front of a man, to be dependent on him. The main thing is not to convince yourself that without a man, life loses its meaning. We ourselves have the right to choose with whom and when to be. Let the stronger sex adapt to us. I don’t want to pit wives against mistresses and judge who is better and who is worse. Both need to learn to love and understand their men. My happiness is my freedom. I took too long to achieve this and paid too high a price. I am free from stereotypes, templates, critical views, prejudices and other people's opinions. I am happy because I can remain myself and preserve my Self. Happiness and freedom in my understanding are harmonious parts of a single whole. This is the state of my soul and the state of my spirit. I am the creator of my own happiness. Everything depends only on me, on my view and attitude towards myself. I am happy that I live, I can see and share feelings with others. I am happy that my loved ones are alive and well. I’m happy that I can see the leaves fall, and in winter I can catch soft and fluffy snow in my palms, grab snowflakes with my mouth like in childhood. I am happy when a new day begins and the bright sun shines outside. I am happy because I am free to do whatever I want. And also because I have found harmony with myself, I can realize my abilities and enjoy every given moment. HAPPINESS needs to be SEEN and FEELED. So much beauty around!

www.inpearls.ru

My husband took a mistress and is now rushing between her and his family

Hello Tatiana! Look at the situation through the eyes of your Husband! What will you see? if, literally in 2 words, then he confessed to you his “weaknesses or strengths” when he talked about his relationship, Sex for men is pure physiology! And what they call is a memory and just communication on general topics! It’s possible that he himself informed her that he told you everything! Instead of understanding him, understanding this situation, supporting him morally and forgiving him! (and this is exactly what he expected from you when he told you everything, because he was tormented by a definite feeling of guilt), so to speak, internal tension that gave no rest! He received a mountain of reproaches and scandals, and naturally regretted 1000 times that he told you everything!

It’s very good that you understand that you constantly remind him of her! it really means a lot!

He can’t forget her, because he felt less uncomfortable there than with you, that’s how our Brain works! If you want to return him, return trust, understanding and forgiveness! For Men: you really have to overcome yourself to admit something like this! And why did he decide to leave: in her face he sees a friend, a like-minded person, and in your face Who are you for him?

If you want to get your husband back, then just start communicating with him. show that you are no longer interested in this topic, that you completely trust him, stop controlling him. Become his support, inspire him to conquer heights, diversify your relationship by going to themed parties (theater, movie tour, whatever you like). Let him feel like a Man (with a capital letter), Tell him that this whole situation was given to you in order to rethink our relationship! And start building relationships again!

And there is one more reason for that. why did he decide to get a divorce, he sees how you suffer! And it hurts him to see it! The natural instinct is to run away, hide, get a divorce! This is a natural process, most likely in his head, and he won’t build anything with you if he divorces you! Stay Alone!

In principle, I gave a detailed answer to all your questions! so watch and act! God endowed the man with strength and the woman with Wisdom!

Chernikov Dmitry Vladimirovich, psychologist Saratov

www.all-psy.com

My husband is torn between me and his mistress

“My husband left for his mistress, but lives with me!” Many women find themselves in such slightly schizophrenic situations. Some of them write to me. Over the past two months, I have received several letters from my readers, where the situation is like a carbon copy.

Once upon a time they lived, did not grieve, raised children (they were still small), and suddenly - a bolt from the blue. The husband left for his mistress.

But he left strangely. He announced that he was leaving, even moved some of his things, but he still lives at home. He takes care of the children, sometimes smiles at his wife, and tries to give gifts.

And it is not defined in any way. What to do here, how to be here?

Well, I’ll share my idea based on experience and observations. I’ll say right away that you can get your husband back, but it requires enormous effort. So colossal that I seriously doubt their feasibility.

What's happening?

In all situations (those that were sent to me by mail, or those that I observed myself) there was one thing in common - small children. Usually up to five years. Most often - no more than three. And this is not without reason. There is a high probability that, immersed in caring for the child, both spouses became good parents, but ceased to be spouses. This is a common situation - no one is immune from this.

When spouses cease to be spouses, they begin to look for partners on the side. A woman with a small child is less likely to do this - she has her mouth full of troubles with the baby. Men have more opportunities here - work, active travel around the city, the opportunity to stay longer... All this creates conditions for the appearance of a new woman in life.

This happens to many men - they find themselves a new wife.

It is important to note - specifically the spouse. From her he receives what he lacks in his current marriage - admiration, delight, attention to him as a man, and not as the father of a child. On the other hand, he gives what is not accepted in a current marriage - admiration, delight, attention to his wife as a woman, and not as the mother of his child.

In other words, the man remains a father (he takes care of the children, sometimes smiles at his wife, tries to give gifts), but ceases to be a spouse. And his wife for him is the mother of his children, but not his wife. Hence the desire to find a new wife. For many, this desire is embodied in a new relationship on the side.

Such a relationship rarely benefits a marriage - we would like to especially note this. In the rush of “I’m not going there and I’m not staying here,” the man drives his wife to white heat. It is unbearably difficult for her to live in a situation of uncertainty.

In my mind, of course, you shouldn’t start an affair at all - you already have a wife, she now urgently needs you and your help and support. The period when she is fixated on the child will pass, and the marital roles will return to you again. So be patient, take care of your beloved woman, don’t hurt her.

In the end, be a man - say directly that you miss her as a wife and quickly organize the opportunity to be spouses (give the child to your grandmother or go to sleep yourself and let your wife rest, or think of something else). Everything can be improved without “turning” to your mistress.

Alas, not everyone is so reasonable.

What to do next?

Depends on the woman’s goal and individual reaction to betrayal. If betrayal causes any noticeable pain, then the approach proposed below is not at all for you. Here it is better to have a direct conversation (with the risk of divorce in the end). You can start like this: “You and I have started to have some kind of tough relationship in our relationship. I forgot that you are my beloved man, and you went to some woman. Do you remember that we once planned everything differently? Let's try to get out of here and start something different.

I apologize for using you as a transport for diapers, and you for not talking to me about it, but immediately went looking for something on the side.”

Of course, this does not guarantee that the situation will improve (and certainly does not guarantee that the pain will subside), but there is a chance. The main thing is for the husband to understand that he hurt his woman and this, to put it mildly, is bad. When it comes, the chances of recovery will increase.

But it may even come to a divorce, here it will take you out of the blue.

But if you are not hurt by betrayal (if such a thing can even happen), then you can go the other way.

In the situations described, a man lives in a state where he is terrorized from both sides - they demand to make up his mind and make a decision. On the one hand, he is being hammered by his wife, on the other hand, he is being pestered by his mistress, who demands that he finally get a divorce, as long as he can put it off (though, I don’t feel sorry for the man at all - it couldn’t have been any other way, he should have thought before ). The way out is for the wife to become the party that doesn't demand anything.

It’s important to emphasize here, otherwise not everyone will see it. This is not about indulging a man, like, honey, how great it is that you have a mistress. This is not about “keeping face” and pretending that nothing is happening. No no and one more time no.

I'm talking about no requirements. Well, you know how it happens: “Decide - either me or her!”, “How long can all this continue!” and so on. Such requirements should absolutely not exist. That is, in general. And then it might work.

This is a common paradox of family life - the more one person presses, the further the second moves away. If they press on both sides, a person is more likely to move to the one where they do not press.

Well, he may also choose the third option - to run away altogether, but this rarely happens.

At the same time, again, please read carefully! - the absence of demands does not mean that the cheater’s wife smiles sweetly at him. Not at all. The sincere expression of one’s feelings is just very useful and is strongly encouraged. Simply put, if you want to cry, cry. And let the husband see.

Yes, you don’t need to demand a decision from him, but you don’t need to hide your feelings either. Sincerity is often useful and here is exactly such a case.

True, here again we need to raise a serious question - does the wife have enough mental strength to live in all this? An affair on the side usually lasts about a year and not everyone has the strength to survive all this without a divorce.

And perhaps that’s right. The concepts “You have to live with the child’s father”, “If a man leaves (or doesn’t come) - it’s your fault” or “A woman should be wiser and endure”, or “this is a woman’s lot” are completely stupid. They impose strange demands on a woman, which, in principle, are completely unrealistic. And when a woman predictably fails to cope, she is completely smeared.

So think for yourself, decide for yourself - in which direction to move, and what to do when your husband is torn between you and his mistress.

Tags: Treason,

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What does a man do when he finds himself in a situation between two fires: choose a mistress or a wife?

Between two fires: choose a mistress or a wife?

Women regularly come to me asking for help - they need to “discourage” their husband’s mistress and return him to the family. Or, in other words, how to make my husband decide to choose me.

And I tell everyone who applies the same thing - the psychologist is powerless here. Because a person (in this case, the husband) cannot solve anything in such situations. He just can’t physically.

Let me explain it in my fingers.

In human life there is such a phenomenon as the systems in which we are included. For example, a member of a work team, a resident of a building, a member of a theater studio, a son, a grandson, a friend, a matchmaker, a godfather, a brother, and so on.

A person belongs to these systems with varying degrees of attachment. And – what’s important! – the more attractive the system is for him, the more attached he is to it, the more the system attracts him.

Moreover, the attractiveness may not be very bright - say, it may be a childhood memory (from the first grade together, at the same desk) and nothing more. But even such a memory may be enough to make the system attractive enough to become attached to it.

I talked in more detail about the systems themselves in the article “How to unravel in your life,” but here we’ll simply state that a person lives in such systems and these systems differ in the degree of attractiveness.

As long as we live in a situation where different systems have different degrees of attractiveness, everything is fine - priorities are set, goals are subordinated, first the first, then the second, and finally the third.

The problems start where both systems become equally attractive.

For example, a mistress. She is younger than her wife, not overwhelmed by children and everyday life, always happy and available in a sexual sense. The "mistress" system is certainly attractive.

But the wife - she had a long (and in some places very good) history of relationships, children together, an established life, a fair amount of familiarity. The “wife” system is attractive in a different way, but no less.

This is where this crazy swing begins, when a man decides, that’s it, I’ll go to my mistress, crosses the threshold, leaving behind his crying wife and confused children, comes to his mistress to live with her forever... And within a week he is going back - home, to his wife.

At this moment, the wife is happy, the children are relaxed, everything is back to normal…. And within a week the man is going back to his mistress.

It seems that he is playing with the feelings of these women or is simply weak-willed since he cannot make up his mind (and if so, then something can be done to help him make a decision).

In fact, he is torn apart between two equally attractive systems and no amount of willpower will work here. Simply because a person will not be able to use it.

It is extremely natural for a person to be torn in such a situation. It is also natural not to be able to fly or throw off a tail (for lack of a tail).

A person cannot, simply cannot, take and choose in such a situation - he does not have sufficient resources in his head for this.

And here we come to the most difficult moment - the solution to this situation.

I assure you, you won't like it. However, I believe that the bitter truth is better than a sweet lie, at least in certain matters.

Therefore, keep the bitter truth - if a wife has the task of keeping a man (although why is he needed?), then she must wait and endure.

The effectiveness of this strategy is not absolute, but of all others it is the most effective. So to speak - the best among the worst.

Here's the thing - in such a clash of systems, the one that remains attractive wins. And to remain attractive, you need to not put pressure.

After all, at some point the mistress will say, they say, it’s enough to live in two houses, it’s time to make a decision, and then her attractiveness to a man will begin to sharply decrease (I know what I’m talking about, I constantly encounter this at work).

And the wife is silent at this time and does not demand anything. And then the choice happens as if by itself - the attractiveness of the mistress has decreased, the attraction to her is no longer so strong, but the attractiveness of the wife has remained at the same level, one is drawn to her.

There’s no need to choose here - he’s back, he doesn’t want to go anywhere else, everything is the same again. That's the end of the fairy tale.

The only problem is that it is very, incredibly, exceptionally, monstrously difficult to endure and wait (and, by the way, usually for a very long time - up to three years, sometimes). Few people can survive all this.

And here the question for the woman is whether she is ready for such tests for the sake of this man. There is no correct answer here, everyone decides for themselves.

One thing I can say for sure is that other options are even more hopeless in terms of results (but not so difficult). How to deal with this is, of course, not for me to decide.

Total. When a man is torn between his wife and his mistress, he does this not out of malice or weakness of will, but because of a kind of “failure” in the functioning of his head. This “failure” cannot be cured in any way, it can only be experienced. This experience can last for several years, and it is difficult for both the man and his wife. If she does not put pressure on her husband, the chances that their marriage will survive are quite high (but, of course, not absolute). Whether a woman has enough strength for this and whether she needs it at all is not for me to decide.

That's all I have, thanks for your attention.

I ask you to help me pass through all the trials that befell me with dignity. On April 4 of this year, the house that my husband and I had been building for 20 years burned down; the cause of the fire was a short circuit in the electric boiler. The husband knew that something was wrong, she told him about it, but he simply closed the door to the boiler room and left on business. After the fire, it seemed that all of us and the children had united, but not for long. My husband drew a house plan and told us how and what we would build. Two weeks later he left on a business trip: he had his own business 400 km from where they lived. A different person returned from there; less than a month after the fire, he began an affair there with another woman, with whom they had been trying to introduce him for 2 years. She is 13 years younger. Later I found out that they were introduced by the person who knew that my husband had a woman with a child in addition to his family. We lived together for 28 years, went through many difficulties, but we did not pass this test. All summer, the husband rushed between two women, and in the end, after 8 months, he married a third, with the one who supposedly only wanted a child from him. But at the same time, 30 minutes after the birth, he was admitted to the maternity hospital, the child’s umbilical cord had not yet been cut, they were allowed to name the child after his late father, and a bunch of other nuances. That is, for four years the man was simply dragged from the family, and then, when it became the most difficult and problematic, he left. True, he asked to let him go, said that he didn’t like him, that he would build me a house and help the children. She didn’t hold me back, she said, go away if your conscience allows you to leave us in this situation. Then they said, you are a stranger to me, and the children have already grown up, there is no talk of grandchildren - these are not my problems. Although we don’t have grandchildren yet, in the summer we talked about how we would help raise our grandchildren. Of course, with a torn soul, I said a lot of cruel words, they are true, but apparently they hurt him greatly, or he just doesn’t want to see himself as he has now become. He told me the whole truth that he cheated the first time when I was carrying my son (we have two children - a daughter and a son, that there were several other loves on the side, but the girls, realizing that they would not leave the family, found other men and got married. Because of this, he simply developed some kind of inferiority complex. I don’t understand one thing - on October 7, he went through the rite of baptism with me, consciously accepted it, but three days later in confession he said that he had no sins. I don’t know if it’s possible to pray for him. soul. The worst thing for me is that it hurts not only me, but also the children. They have lost faith that they can build a happy family, that they can trust people, if their closest and dearest betray them like that. I’m sorry, help me endure everything with dignity, so as not to ruin the children’s lives, so that they don’t lose faith in people, they are not baptized, they don’t believe in God. Too little time has passed, 2 months since all this was discovered, but 3 days ago they already registered the marriage, and my husband didn’t even tell me about the registration date, I found out from another source. I understand that I am imperfect, and I, like all people, have shortcomings. If we didn't communicate at all, it might be easier. But the house still comes from time to time to build, a team of unprofessional builders works, but does some of the work itself. True, he already saves on everything so as not to spend an extra penny, his psyche has become very unbalanced, he didn’t know how to control himself before. I'm afraid that something bad might happen to him, and my children will be left without a father. Moreover, the second wife was already a widow once; one of her husbands had already died. Tell me how to survive all this and remain human for the sake of the children and for yourself, without becoming embittered or losing faith in people.

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Tatiana, age: 47 / 12/05/2011

Responses:

Hello Tatiana! Believe me, there are worthy and good people, and they are the majority. All the women who came to this site, linking their fate with a person, as it seemed to them then, with the best and forever, experienced bitter disappointment. But the biggest blow falls on our children, no matter how old they are, they are our children. And if a woman in the future has the opportunity to arrange her personal life, then the child will not find another father. Let me, since I am also a mother, give you one piece of advice - get over the hurt, the pain, and talk calmly with your husband so that his communication with the children can resume, and you will see that there will be changes. Your children are already old enough to understand that everything happens in life, they are offended for themselves, for their mother, but they will understand that their father still loves and needs them.
Find the strength to forgive your ex-husband, and if you can, tell him about it, you will see that you will immediately feel better, and most importantly, life will begin to improve. Believe me, this will happen. But if you are only ready for this. I was able to do this only after six months.
The betrayal of loved ones always takes us by surprise and damages our physical, mental and moral state. But you have support - family, this is very important. You have a kind of entertainment - building a house. Surely you have a job, a social circle. Everything will be fine with you, believe me! I sincerely wish this for you!

Julia, age: 34 / 06.12.2011

Tatiana! You have a desire not to become embittered and not to lose faith, this is the main thing, it means you understand everything correctly. Your husband is spiritually and mentally ill, there are many of them now. This is always a dead end path, going nowhere, your husband doesn’t understand. May God give you strength and patience to get through all this! It's good that you understand that this is a test. Tatiana! God does not give us a burden beyond our strength. Everything will definitely be fine with you, the children are already grown. 28 years cannot be thrown out of life and forgotten, and nothing will work out for him. Men, although it’s difficult to call such men men, are more attached to order in the house than women; some of them get teary-eyed when they see their wife twisting a tube of toothpaste. What I mean is that the other aunty does it all differently, not the way he’s used to, even better than his wife, but differently. But the habit is strong, in general he is poor and unhappy. He lost his faithful life partner, lost the respect of those closest to him, I don’t think his children respect him, no one likes traitors, and you, Tatyana, will definitely survive this and I want to do it with dignity, the way you want it. Your conscience is clear, try to live in accordance with God’s commandments and everything will work out for you, the Lord will not abandon his own! It's a pity for such men, they are poor.

Larisa, age: 40 / 12/06/2011

Tatyana, everything will be fine with you! Don't be sad, namesake. I think that in this situation, uniting with your children, you will be able to unite and survive the dark period with dignity. Helping each other, supporting each other in every possible way. It seems to me that the last thing you can envy now is your ex-husband. At that age, starting your life all over again, raising a child. Why such difficulties? What's the point? In such a situation, there will probably be little special attention on his part to your children together; he himself needs moral support. He is already, you write, unrestrained and unbalanced. I took on an unbearable burden in the form of a new family, and you can’t just “get rid of the old one.”
Tatyana, it’s probably not worth getting embittered and losing faith in people. Now you are just in a lot of pain, hence your sad mood.
On this site many people write about forgiveness, but it seems to me that this is the most difficult thing. To do this instantly and forever is a difficult task. I am writing based on my own experience. In my opinion, this is a very long process and sometimes requires remarkable willpower in order to suppress the surging feeling of wild resentment and an irresistible desire for revenge.
In principle, there can be at least two options for the development of events; I am writing only about the relationship between you and your husband. The first is to sever all relationships and contacts with your husband, to distance yourself from him both externally and internally (the second is much more difficult). Moreover, even with forced communication, this distance inside can be maintained. Throw out from your life everything that reminded and reminds of him: people, things, objects. Out of sight and out of mind. And begin to actively build YOUR new life WITHOUT HIM: soberly, decisively, without regrets. The meaningful content of this very new life is only your unfulfilled needs, a creative and active approach to putting them into practice, a drop of willpower, attitude and time. Everything together is guaranteed to yield positive results. At first you live “automatically”, then more and more consciously, feelingly and with a sparkle in your eyes. The second one is more difficult to implement, in my opinion. It requires love, patience, artistry, and, most importantly, the desire of both parties.
Try to maintain a warm relationship between you, even though each of you begins to live a separate and independent life. The relationship is not like between a man and a woman, but simply communication between people who have lived under the same roof for a long time, shared grief and joy and are grateful to each other for this. And now they are connected by something much more than a shared bed and children. A feeling of spiritual closeness and naturalness. The feeling of unity, unity of everything and everyone, that we are all parts of one whole, floating in one endless stream of the river of life. But this implies the desire and ability to rise above one’s egoism, to go beyond one’s “I”; pain, feelings of abandonment, abandonment and betrayal and, probably, this is to fulfill the main commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Hang in there, life goes on!

Tatiana, age: 35 / 12/06/2011

Dear Tatyana! Yes, it really hurts! But believe me, you will survive and remain human! Six months ago, I myself experienced the betrayal of my husband, with whom I lived for 26 years. And it's not about you. It's about him. We lived for 28 years, and after 28 years it became unbearable? We are all not perfect. But if people converged and diverged according to this principle, then there would be no families in the world at all. Family is when you are accepted for who you are, unconditionally and without judgment. And this is a test for both of you. I think that you will pass it with dignity. Rethink your life, draw conclusions, take only the best from the past, and move forward. It’s like rummaging through an old chest, putting things in order, throwing out the trash, digging out valuables. This is your life and with the departure of an unreasonable, weak, lost and lost person, your life does not end. I think it will be much more difficult for him than for you. But there is no need to feel sorry for him. This is his responsibility for his life, this is his chance to grow spiritually. You have your own - take care of yourself. Grieve, cry, but don’t get stuck in grief for long. Moreover, the construction of a new house is very symbolically underway! New life! You know, six months have passed since my husband left, and now I enjoy freedom, I have a lot of time to take care of myself - I go to the gym, to my friend’s for a massage and a facial mask. In general, I’m enjoying something that was previously unfamiliar to me, something I’ve never done before. And I really like it. And when unpleasant memories lurk like a shadow, I pray. Helps a lot. And I advise you. Pray that God will help you let go of all this quickly and forgive your husband. Pray for his recovery because he is sick without a doubt. But for him, the most you can do is pray. And in relation to myself - a lot. All in your hands. Dear Tatyana, may God help you!

Guzel, age: 48 / 06.12.2011

Hello Tatiana!
I re-read your letter several times. Despite the severity of the situation, you set yourself the right goals - to survive and remain human for the sake of the children and for yourself, not to become embittered, not to lose faith in people, to go through all the trials with dignity. When a person knows where to go, he will come there. This means that everything will work out for you.
At one time, when my husband just left, I thought differently. I didn’t want to believe that 23 years of married life meant nothing to a person. I didn’t understand how it was possible to destroy the world of our children, our parents and loved ones with such cynicism. I was waiting for him to come to his senses and stop this madness. And there was no need to expect anything from him. The hardest thing is to part with your illusions. I didn’t see a real person who fell in love with me multiple times and cheated on me, manipulated and used me, only took and gave nothing in return. There were, of course, times of relative “prosperity” when he allowed us to feel happy. But, since his psyche is also unbalanced, with constant mood swings, the children and I were almost always to blame for everything.
Alexey's response on this site helped me a lot. He suggested that I re-read my own letter and thank God that he had finally delivered me from this man. As it turned out, it’s not so easy to get rid of it. After a year of absence, he wished to return to our shared apartment, and even as a husband. He categorically refuses to exchange the apartment. When he left, he got divorced. I didn't take part in this. They divorced me without my presence at the very first meeting, even in the presence of a minor daughter.
The woman he went to bore him a son. He didn’t marry her, he says “she behaved badly.” But, since the “love” had passed, and he was not provided with the comforts that were at home there, he considered it right for himself to return back. True, now I’m completely “uncooperative” and he’s looking for another dream woman. What I mean is that it is possible and in your relationship this is not the end yet. Most likely, a new relationship will also not be able to fill his spiritual emptiness. And after all the “I don’t love him, let him go and he’s a stranger” he will be with you again, giving you the honorable right to look after him and bring him joy in life.
Tatyana, you will definitely cope, the main thing is to protect yourself and your children from the person who causes pain (I would like to write differently about this person, but God will be his judge).
In his “Spiritual Testament,” Saint Mitrophan edified: “For every person, this is the rule of wise men: use labor, maintain moderation, and you will be rich; drink abstinently, eat little - you will be healthy; do good, flee evil - you will be saved.” What a pity that the wise words “flee the evil” were revealed to me only now, and thank God they were revealed.

Alexandra, age: 42 / 12/06/2011

Tatiana, the main thing is don’t give up and don’t despair! And believe: whatever God does is for the best.
Read Smilla’s responses, you will understand a lot, and, of course, the site materials.
Hang in there, God help you!

Natalia, age: 31 / 07.12.2011

Tatiana, hello! Quite recently, I myself read the materials on the site and looked for words that would help me cope with mental pain. And now, instead of words of consolation, I want to outline my situation. In June of this year, my husband left me after 35 years (!) of marriage. He went to a woman - a friend of his sister (!!!). This woman is 5 years older than him. The details are like all of us: I’m bad, but he suffered and endured for 35 years. AND THERE - it’s good! For me and for EVERYONE - it was a SHOCK! He left me, like everyone else, at a difficult turning point in his life. A lot happened at the same time. When I experienced a difficult psychological state, I pulled myself together and began to act: in November I myself filed for divorce and division of property. In hand is a summons with the date of the trial. At 56 years old, starting to rebuild your life is not for the weak! And you're only 47! My children support me, although they live with their families in another city. My husband's family doesn't communicate with me. My relatives are not in this city. But I work (thank God!), although I had to change the team where I worked for a long time and everyone was like family. I have a hobby that also brings in a small income. I come home at 22-00, go to bed, and in the morning it’s back to work. I also fill my weekends to capacity. My hobby is related to communication, so this also supports me. Church and prayers help a lot. Tanya, believe me, the acute pain will pass, and God will give you energy and strength for constructive action. It has been quoted here more than once: “Everything that doesn’t kill us makes us stronger!” Don't forget about vitamin and medication support! The pain from deception and betrayal is not forgotten, it dulls (for me after six months). God willing, we will overcome everything! I have no doubt about this. After my husband left, my children and I rallied and became closer. The children support me very much, although the children did not utter a single word of condemnation towards their father. We BOTH are dear to them. The children promise to “put” me on alpine skiing. So, Tanya, so many opportunities are opening up that you never dreamed of “with your husband”! Because we all lived only in the interests of the family and THEIR interests. And now there is an opportunity to “unearth” your interests and desires and realize them! Good luck to you on this path! The sooner you take this path, the more time you will have! Get well soon!

Skela, age: 56 / 12/07/2011

Dear Tatyana! I want to support you, a worthy person. I have no right to advise you, I have different circumstances, unfortunately, I have no children, I just left a person who did not love me and bullied me, I worry, the resentment still lives in me (a year has passed). But I didn’t give up and am positive.
I wish you, dear namesake, patience and faith. You will survive, of course, if you want it.
The Lord will reward you, you will find peace, family happiness with children. I wish you to meet a person who can appreciate you. Read the articles on this site, they inspire, help you correctly assess yourself and the situation.
I hug you tightly.

Tatiana, age: 35 / 12/07/2011

Tatyana, hello! Any tests are given to us so that we can take a fresh look at our lives and change something in it for the better. I understand that now you are confused and in pain. But weren’t there difficult situations in your life before? Gradually everything got better, you found a way to move on. And now it will be the same! Hold on, give your love and care to your loved ones, do not lose Faith. You are a wonderful, wise woman. You will handle everything with honor.

Ekaterina, age: 21/12/08/2011

Tatyana, only time can heal. Your husband left you, and my wife left me after 20 years of life. How do you think I feel? Just think - water is off a duck's back? You are wrong. This state is sometimes impossible to express in words.
Let me tell you something about you.
You can do ANYTHING.
You control EVERYTHING.
You can achieve any success you want.
You can and will rise up when life gets you down again.
I believe in you.

That's all I wanted to tell you.

P.S. Why am I telling you this? Because we ourselves have stumbled more than once in this life... It was in such difficult moments that we so needed to hear these words. These words help us rise and move on... Each of us needs someone to support us... and I want to tell you that the world is not without good people, and there will be one who will always be there, will support you and help you .

Listen... if it's hard for you now... then I was there too. And I want to say - it will definitely get better. Just don't give up and keep going!

I believe in you.

Victor, age: 47 / 12/13/2011

Hello Tatiana. My situation is also difficult, we are getting divorced soon, now we hardly talk, I feel bad most of all for the children.
But I want to tell you this. I’m also afraid of losing faith in men and people, but after reading articles by psychologists on this site, I realized - what does other people have to do with it??? When we dig up rotten potatoes, it doesn’t mean that they are all like that. Yes, perhaps there is a lot of it in a bad year. But there is also a good, large, feast for the eyes.
And also - when we have a toothache and everything hurts and it’s impossible to live - does this mean that all our teeth are bad? It hurts - we treat it or tear it out.
So it is here - yes, it hurts, yes, it’s bad, but the worst thing is to think that it will always be like this with everyone. The most important thing is not to be afraid to GIVE! But you definitely need to think about who to give it to. You can give the last, but to those who really need it and will return it to you a hundredfold with their attitude.

Marina, age: 31 / 12/16/2011

Tatiana, age: 40 / 12/17/2011

Thank you all for your support and your warm kind words! I believe that everything will turn out great for me and my children in the future! Let God judge them!
Maybe they have yet to grow into love.
I wish everyone who supported me happiness, love and prosperity in the coming 2012! May God give us all the best!

Tatiana, age: 47 / 12/23/2011

Dear Tatyana!
Happy New Year and Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones!
Happiness to you and peace in your soul, renewal!
God bless you!

Tatiana, age: 35 / 12/23/2011

I went to the site with a problem, though it’s not my husband who is rushing about, but just a man whom I recently met... it’s not so painful, not so scary, when it doesn’t connect so much, of course. But now I read Tatyana’s letter and all the responses, and for some reason my soul felt good. A lot has been said about God, a lot of good words about life, it feels like the best and most worthy women in the world, smart and sensible, have gathered here. Thank you to this world for the fact that there are such people, otherwise I have already begun to be sad that there are only scoundrels around. That’s right, one woman wrote a comparison with potatoes and teeth :) it’s very correct and we need to understand this. Life is not so simple, the main thing is to be wise, try not to get angry and continue to live with dignity! I try, but it’s very difficult for me, either I choose such men or I have problems within myself. No matter how much I start dating a person, he either likes to drink, likes to go for a walk, or is just a proud egoist. Although they seem normal in appearance. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me, I’m almost 34 and I’ve never been married and I’m already afraid to start a relationship, I think that all men only think about themselves, they cheat, they betray, they behave as they want. There are so many stories about how one man has two women and now he torments them... There is so much pain in everything... here is my last story: we met, talked as friends, then more, fell in love, and then I find out that such people I’m not the only one who says kind words to everyone... well, I don’t even know what to do. By the way, I would really like to know how Tatyana, who wrote this letter, is doing... After all, a lot of time has passed, I really want to know! Maybe I'll be lucky and she'll respond :)

Girl, age: 33 / 09/23/2013

Almost two years have passed since I wrote this letter. I want to thank everyone for their support and kind words. Your warmth helped me get through a difficult time. I read the last letter and am writing a response. The pain passed, I let go of the man who was my husband and the father of my children in my thoughts. God, indeed, has managed everything for the better - I am next to a man who, in human qualities, is much higher than my ex-husband. His family became my family, and my children became family to my second husband and his parents. The children’s relationship with their own father has not improved, which, of course, still upsets me, but life does not stand still, but moves forward. I wish my ex-husband happiness and prosperity, and I hope that sooner or later he will be able to become a real man. Maybe the sick child was sent to him so that he could learn to love at least someone. I want to tell all women that there is life after divorce. Someone decides to believe in family happiness again, someone decides to stay alone, but happiness is inside a person, and not at all outside. Love your loved ones and be happy! Good luck to you all, happiness and love!

Tatyana, age: 49 years / 09/30/2013

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“My husband left for his mistress, but lives with me!” Many women find themselves in such slightly schizophrenic situations. Some of them write to me. Over the past two months, I have received several letters from my readers, where the situation is like a carbon copy.

Once upon a time they lived, did not grieve, raised children (they were still small), and suddenly - a bolt from the blue. The husband left for his mistress.

But he left strangely. He announced that he was leaving, even moved some of his things, but he still lives at home. He takes care of the children, sometimes smiles at his wife, and tries to give gifts.

And it is not defined in any way. What to do here, how to be here?

Well, I’ll share my idea based on experience and observations. I’ll say right away that you can get your husband back, but it requires enormous effort. So colossal that I seriously doubt their feasibility.

What's happening?

In all situations (those that were sent to me by mail, or those that I observed myself) there was one thing in common - small children. Usually up to five years. Most often - no more than three. And this is not without reason.

There is a high probability that, immersed in caring for the child, both spouses became good parents, but ceased to be spouses. This is a common situation - no one is immune from this.

When spouses cease to be spouses, they begin to look for partners on the side. A woman with a small child is less likely to do this - she has her mouth full of troubles with the baby. Men have more opportunities here - work, active travel around the city, the opportunity to stay longer... All this creates conditions for the appearance of a new woman in life.

This happens to many men - they find themselves a new wife.

It is important to note - specifically the spouse. From her he receives what he lacks in his current marriage - admiration, delight, attention to him as a man, and not as the father of a child. On the other hand, he gives what is not accepted in a current marriage - admiration, delight, attention to his wife as a woman, and not as the mother of his child.

In other words, the man remains a father (he takes care of the children, sometimes smiles at his wife, tries to give gifts), but ceases to be a spouse. And his wife for him is the mother of his children, but not his wife. Hence the desire to find a new wife.

For many, this desire is embodied in a new relationship on the side.

Such a relationship rarely benefits a marriage - we would like to especially note this. In the rush of “I’m not going there and I’m not staying here,” the man drives his wife to white heat. It is unbearably difficult for her to live in a situation of uncertainty.

In my mind, of course, you shouldn’t start an affair at all - you already have a wife, she now urgently needs you and your help and support. The period when she is fixated on the child will pass, and the marital roles will return to you again. So be patient, take care of your beloved woman, don’t hurt her.

In the end, be a man - say directly that you miss her as a wife and quickly organize the opportunity to be spouses (give the child to your grandmother or go to sleep yourself and let your wife rest, or think of something else). Everything can be improved without “turning” to your mistress.

Alas, not everyone is so reasonable.

What to do next?

Depends on the woman’s goal and individual reaction to betrayal. If betrayal causes any noticeable pain, then the approach proposed below is not at all for you. Here it is better to have a direct conversation (with the risk of divorce in the end).

You can start like this: “You and I have started to have some kind of tough relationship in our relationship. I forgot that you are my beloved man, and you went to some woman. Do you remember that we once planned everything differently? Let's try to get out of here and start something different.

I apologize for using you as a transport for diapers, and you for not talking to me about it, but immediately went looking for something on the side.”

Of course, this does not guarantee that the situation will improve (and certainly does not guarantee that the pain will subside), but there is a chance. The main thing is for the husband to understand that he hurt his woman and this, to put it mildly, is bad. When it comes, the chances of recovery will increase.

But it may even come to a divorce, here it will take you out of the blue.

But if you are not hurt by betrayal (if such a thing can even happen), then you can go the other way.

In the situations described, a man lives in a state where he is terrorized from both sides - they demand to make up his mind and make a decision. On the one hand, he is being hammered by his wife, on the other hand, he is being pestered by his mistress, who demands that he finally get a divorce, as long as he can put it off (though, I don’t feel sorry for the man at all - it couldn’t have been any other way, he should have thought before ).

The way out is for the wife to become the party that doesn't demand anything.

It’s important to emphasize here, otherwise not everyone will see it. This is not about indulging a man, like, honey, how great it is that you have a mistress. This is not about “keeping face” and pretending that nothing is happening. No no and one more time no.

I'm talking about no requirements. Well, you know how it happens: “Decide - either me or her!”, “How long can all this continue!” and so on. Such requirements should absolutely not exist. That is, in general. And then it might work.

This is a common paradox of family life - the more one person presses, the further the second moves away. If they press on both sides, a person is more likely to move to the one where they do not press.

Well, he may also choose the third option - to run away altogether, but this rarely happens.

At the same time, again, please read carefully! - the absence of demands does not mean that the cheater’s wife smiles sweetly at him. Not at all. The sincere expression of one’s feelings is just very useful and is strongly encouraged. Simply put, if you want to cry, cry. And let the husband see.

Yes, you don’t need to demand a decision from him, but you don’t need to hide your feelings either. Sincerity is often useful and here is exactly such a case.

True, here again we need to raise a serious question - does the wife have enough mental strength to live in all this? An affair on the side usually lasts about a year and not everyone has the strength to survive all this without a divorce.

And perhaps that’s right. The concepts “You have to live with the child’s father”, “If a man leaves (or doesn’t come) - it’s your fault” or “A woman should be wiser and endure”, or “this is a woman’s lot” are completely stupid. They impose strange demands on a woman, which, in principle, are completely unrealistic. And when a woman predictably fails to cope, she is completely smeared.

So think for yourself, decide for yourself - in which direction to move, and what to do when your husband is torn between you and his mistress.