Cowardly boy: what to do? My child is a coward?! Son is cowardly

Good afternoon There is a 6 year old boy. Afraid to sleep without light. Afraid to sleep alone. Afraid of tense or disturbing moments in children's cartoons and plays. We leave the light in the bedroom to him. But we don’t let you in as an adult. He periodically comes and whines, “I’m afraid.” We kick you out. She asked me to explain “what or who exactly are you afraid of.” The answer is "I'm afraid to sleep alone." It looks like some kind of mockery. Moreover, he understands the meaning of the question, but answers exactly like that. We went to the cinema last year to see “Despicable Me-2”; I watched the first cartoon a hundred times and enjoyed it. At the moment where the bunny turned into an evil one, he began to yell at the entire cinema hall, “I want to go home, I’m afraid.” There were children there younger than him, but no one screamed. Gone. On New Year's Eve we went to the play "Emerald City". The same story. The performance began with the image of a hurricane (anxious music, wind, Ellie's house landing). He began to cry almost hysterically and yell that he was afraid and “let’s leave.” Everyone turned around. We left. As a result, we don’t go anywhere - neither to theaters, nor to the cinema. Because even louder music scares him there. They signed him up for the pool, at the first training session he let go of the board and went under the water, a girl from their group helped him. But he was scared. Then after class I changed clothes and didn’t know where to go. He sat and sat and began to cry. Dad, by the way, was outside the door (adults are not allowed into the locker room). He began to refuse to go to the second training session, dad bought him armbands and promised to talk to the coach. Go. After 15 minutes, the coach brought him out and started sobs and howls. Refused to go into the water. I never went. I was very upset. I told him that he was a coward and I was disappointed in him. It was clear from his face that he didn't care. The main thing is that he is not in the pool, the rest is not important. And today the teacher in the kindergarten said that he refused to sculpt an apple in class because “I won’t be able to do it,” and he began to cry. And this is not the first time. I don’t understand what kind of behavior this is. It irritates me. I try to keep him busy, but he only has a tablet and a console. I don’t want to draw, I don’t want to sculpt. I don’t want to play board games. While you’re sitting with him, he can pick at something, but he can’t keep himself busy (the only option is a computer and a tablet). I recently had my second child. In general, I’m tired, I blame myself, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my son to grow up cowardly and tearful. At 6 years old it’s time to be somehow bolder. What should I do? I would like to take her to a psychologist, but it’s difficult to find a good one. I don’t have much money now (I’m on maternity leave, my husband works alone), but I’m even ready to borrow from my parents, I’m just afraid of running into a bad specialist who will take the money and not help. I'm asking for advice and maybe contacts of trusted specialists. Thanks in advance

Most parents want to see their children courageous, courageous, proactive, and it is difficult to find at least one parent who would not mind if their child became a coward. But if you still find that your child is cautious, fearful and cowardly, do not rush to change him and educate him with the help of persuasion, reprimands and pressure, this will not change him in any way.

Why is he a coward

Cowardice is most often supported; for children, having fears is normal. Fear arises when a child begins to explore the world around him.

On the one hand, he learns his capabilities, strives for independence, to satisfy his desires, on the other hand, he begins to feel unsafe, realizing over time that the outside world has more power.

A child can also collect a collection of his fears (for example, in front of dogs or knives, beetles, etc.). Teach children to be critical of everything they see, learn, study..

Spells for fear

Critical thinking reduces fears quite significantly. For example, if a child is afraid of monsters, start discussing with him what kind of monsters there are, and whether they have weak points, vulnerabilities, whether monsters are always so scary, or whether we initially expect them to be scary, how we can prepare for they did not come to the child’s room.

Question everything that is well-known and familiar, showing him an example that there is nothing that we cannot criticize, put forward new versions, and that we do not have to believe everything.

Just like with monsters, you can create your own rituals with your child - how not to be afraid of heights, or the dark, or big cars, or strangers. For example, you can come up with a magic candle that burns away fears, or a spell that scares away enemies. This can be an interesting game and psychological support for the child, and such rituals will also create a reserve for combating other fears characteristic of older age.

If all else fails

If you later see that the child is still cowardly, and this does not decrease in any way, perhaps the family lacks some rules that help the child provide a sense of security. Or you worry too much about your child, constantly warning him, showing him your panic.

Also, if upbringing is based on excessive demands that the child is unable to cope with or copes with difficulty, he may experience a fear of doing the wrong thing. Strict control, a strict system of norms and rules, deviation from which entails censure and punishment - the child perceives such upbringing as an attitude towards himself, and then anxiety and uncertainty, cowardice develop (“If I do not do what I should, I will be punished, I'm not good enough for love."

An authoritarian style of communication with a child forces him to be in constant tension, the child is afraid of not pleasing, not fulfilling the demands of adults, he becomes timid, his spontaneity in games is limited, he ceases to be quite active both in games and in activities, in classes.

Any words of suppression “Don’t do that!”, “Shut up!”, “Stop crying” and the like interrupt the emotional manifestations of the child, as a result the child accumulates tightness, tension and can become cowardly, dependent, and insecure.

The child needs positive feedback from parents, and words of encouragement should be regular. If a child does not know for sure how one or another of his steps will be evaluated, and if even more so he is afraid of dissatisfaction, his entire personality is formed in a state of intense alertness and anxiety.

Cowardice is not something that manifests itself in a child randomly; it is a consequence of the influence of the surrounding world on the child - first of all, his family and loved ones. It is very important to teach your child not to be afraid of failure. Failures must exist, this is an experience that helps learning, adaptation, and most importantly, the love of parents should not depend on these failures of their child. It is this confidence in your parents and in their love that will help you meet your fears and overcome them.

Arina Lipkina,
psychologist

Views: 3,764

0 What to do if the boy is timid? Shy? Can't stand up for yourself? If he is being bullied in class?

Many parents ask these questions, but the answers from psychologists are always completely unsatisfactory. Talk to your child. Tell. Explain. Sorry, but this is nonsense, because words cannot solve anything here. And the people giving such advice absolutely do not know the reasons for cowardice and shyness.

Let's try to understand why children are timid and cannot fight back against offenders.

All individuals of highly developed animals are divided into two psychotypes - A and B according to the method of hormonal response to a dangerous, stressful situation. In psychotype A, when there is danger, the hormone adrenaline is released into the blood, prompting them to fight or flee. That is, take action to get rid of danger. In psychotype B, instead of adrenaline, cortisol is released, which forces one to hide and paralyzes the will to act. This is also an effective way to survive a stressful situation in nature.

Emotionally, the release of cortisol is experienced as paralyzing fear.

For psychotype A, it is typical to act first, then think. For psychotype B, you need to carefully weigh everything first.

Once we got stuck in Turkmenistan at the tiny Forab station, where the train passes once a day. There are no tickets, the ticket office is closed, we have to go. A police captain appears, drunk and smoking:

- From Moscow? You'll leave now! Sergeant! Put on the train!

The sober Turkmen sergeant speaks almost no Russian. Leads us to the rails in the middle of the desert. The train arrives, all the cars are tightly locked, only people are hanging from the last door of the last car, like from a bus at rush hour. There are forty of us, mostly children, with backpacks and kayaks, and we understand that it is impossible to sit down. The train stops for one minute.

And then the sergeant starts running around us, wailing - sit down quickly, otherwise he will leave, sit down, sit down!

One boy, heeding the cries of the policeman, seeps into the carriage. The train starts moving, taking the child into the dark unknown of the desert of Turkmenistan. Everyone is in shock, everyone is confused, including adults, the train is already about fifty meters away and is quickly picking up speed...

But fortunately there was among us a teenage boy of psychotype A, he throws off his backpack, like in a cowboy film he runs after a train, hangs on the running board, jumps like a fish on top of the passengers’ heads and breaks the stop valve...

Psychotype B needs to think everything over to make a decision. If you need to pause before taking action, then you need psychotype B. With such children it is much safer at crossings, in the mountains, on rapids - wherever you need not so much an instant decision as a well-calculated one.

In addition to the psychotype, most animals have such a personality trait as dominance. It is especially evident in males. The dominant male is the first to gain access to food, and most importantly, to the female. Everyone respects him, fears him, loves him. But if you think that dominance is absolutely always beneficial, then you are mistaken. Here's a brilliant example.

In the experiment, two male pigs were given a simple task. To get a portion of food, you need to press the lever, which is located 15 meters from the feeder. One male rushes like crazy to the lever and back, but he gets pitiful crumbs, since the second male is lying down at the feeder as a master and manages to eat almost everything while the first one is rushing back from the lever. The funny thing is that it is not a subordinate male who is running around, but a dominant male. For it is useless for a subordinate to press the lever - the dominant one simply will not let him near the feeding trough.

Dominance is a complex thing, and there is research showing that it is related to the amount of the neurotransmitter serotonin in the frontal lobes of the brain.

Children very often fight for dominance in a group. The desire of boys, on the one hand, to show off, show off their superiority, boast, and on the other hand, to humiliate others, bully the weak, express contempt for other people’s successes is precisely connected with the struggle for dominance.

However, psychotype B is much less likely to dominate; he is prone to friendly, equal relationships. Psychotype A has a keen desire to dominate. Fortunately, psychotype B is much more common. For example, at school there are classes in which not a single child with the makings of a clear leader ends up.

For example, in my class no one sought dominance, no one humiliated anyone. Once, when we were already older, about twelve years old, they transferred to us a double repeat student, the bully Shina, a strong, cruel teenager with a penchant for sadism and criminality.

For six months he bullied the boys, beat them, humiliated them. He was a leader, but not a leader who is loved, but one who is hated and feared. One fine day, after another prank, all the boys, without agreeing, rushed at him. It was a brutal group reprisal, we put into it all the accumulated hatred, all our grievances and humiliations, which we resignedly endured for many months. If we were monkeys, we would have killed him.

Franz de Waal describes a similar situation in a troop of chimpanzees in Arnhem, where the brutal leader had his fingers and toes bitten off during such a reprisal, his testicles were torn out, and multiple wounds were inflicted on him, from which he died. We only beat Sheena until she was bleeding, but that was enough. It seems that he then disappeared from the class and ended his life in the zone.

Unlike monkeys, humans tend to form equal, egalitarian communities. When they began to study the modern peoples of the Stone Age, they were surprised to discover that they differ from our developed society precisely in their equality. There are no clearly defined commanders. One person, say, is a good kangaroo hunter, and in such a hunt he will become a leader. However, for a military sortie against a neighboring village, a completely different man, especially authoritative in matters of war, may become the leader. Food in tribes is always divided more or less equally, regardless of personal contribution to the hunt.

For a long time, proponents of the theory of hierarchical relations in human society cited the example of prisons as places where there is a strict order of leadership, exactly like in animals. Where everyone knows his place, knows whom he can humiliate and who can humiliate him. And all this was served under the sauce that hierarchy is biologically natural for us, but culture, religion and humanism do not allow us to descend to our animal nature.

However, recent research questions the existence of natural hierarchies in prisons. In pretrial detention cells, as a rule, equal communities are formed where everyone supports each other. With the exception of when a pronounced dominant of psychotype A gets into the cell. Then a hierarchy is built, but, as a rule, no one is happy about this, except for the “boss”. Once it is removed, the hierarchy disappears.

In a camp, when hundreds of people are brought together, hierarchies are always built - simply because among the hundreds there will always be several prisoners with a pronounced psychotype A and a desire for dominance and violence.

But let's get back to the children. A timid, cowardly child with a pronounced psychotype B is not so bad. Such children, as a rule, are smarter, prone to reflection, to the exact sciences, to logical conclusions. They are much more careful, do not look for dangerous activities, and do not take unnecessary risks. They can be kinder and more generous. They are more resistant to stress and survive critical situations better. They are more difficult to break, they do not suffer psychological trauma. Finally, as a rule, carriers of psychotype A also become pariahs. People of psychotype B are much less likely to die from heart attacks.

It should be noted that the so-called nuclear (pronounced) psychotypes are relatively rare, most children are somewhere in the middle, that is, they combine both traits. But this article is about a timid child. That is, a carrier of a pronounced psychotype B.

Such children suffer acutely from their timidity. From cowardice, for which their comrades despise them. Such a child easily becomes the target of bullying because he cannot fight back.

In addition, timid, quiet children are capable of explosive aggression, when they have little control over themselves and can cause serious injury to their offenders.

An excellent description of such an explosion can be found in Sergei Yaroslavtsev’s novel “Search for Destination”:

“...The first time this happened, it seems, was back in school days, when the Viscount, with his idiotic arrogance, hooked some monstrous redneck, godfather, and urkagan to the quick, and he, pressing the little curly-haired, very pale Viscount into a corner (this happened on a tram) , began, rumbling indistinct threats, to hit him in the eyes with a leather glove, and the second thug, no less creepy, stood right next to him and indifferently looked through the open door at the passing landscapes. The tram was full of people, but no one dared to make a word; everyone diligently pretended that nothing was happening. This lasted about ten seconds, Stanislav watched numbly as a brown peeling glove walked across Viscount’s pale face, and then an eclipse came... or, on the contrary, an epiphany, for he suddenly clearly understood what he had to do... The Viscount later told what it looked like it's creepy. Stanislav let out a thin squeal, on the very edge of audibility, jumped on top, on the back, on the shoulders, on the head of the godfather, somehow terribly deftly, like an animal, threw back his uncut head and several times, without ceasing to squeal, bit him in the face .

The entire tram instantly went crazy with horror. And the godfather, naturally, went crazy with horror too - you go crazy here when, in the middle of the noise of the city, on a tram, and not in some jungle, they jump at you from behind... with a howl and squeal worse than any animal, and bite your face. With a convulsive effort, he shook Stanislav off of himself, as if he were some kind of poisonous animal, and rushed out of the car right as it moved (fortunately, in those days there were no automatic doors on trams). Both of them - rednecks, cultivators, thugs - ran madly straight into the bushes that grew here along the tram tracks (this happened on Gorky Street, not far from the Velikan cinema), and Stanislav remained standing, tensely curling his claw fingers, tense, all white with red spots, and his teeth were bared like a mad dog...”

But such explosions, although dangerous, are rare and cannot solve the problems of a timid child. They will call him crazy, crazy, and may shun him during fits of rage. However, the poisoning will not decrease. Unless adults, teachers and parents who fear for other children also join in the bullying.

Such children are often afraid to be alone at home, afraid of the dark, scary movies and stories.

A timid child may be unable to speak in public and find it difficult to answer at the board. It is difficult for him in unfamiliar company, and sometimes in familiar ones. He gets lost when visiting, feels embarrassed about himself on the street, this can turn into serious complexes and even resemble psychosis in its manifestations.

There was a boy who, after illness, refused to go to school because he was afraid that he would not be recognized in class. In addition, it seemed to him that he had no clothes on, that it only seemed to him that he was dressed. Therefore, he refused to go outside. So excessive shyness sometimes leads to mental disorders.

In fact, there is nothing particularly scary about this. The cause of psychosis is that the consciousness seeks a rational explanation for irrational fear. Such oddities are not yet a symptom of mental illness, although from the outside they may seem like delirium. But, undoubtedly, I want to do something, somehow help this child. Because his life is terrible.

How can we help? Adults are effectively treated with serotonin reuptake inhibitors (Prozac), but children should not take such drugs unless absolutely necessary. For example, this can lead to sexual dysfunction, erectile dysfunction and ejaculation problems in boys. Therefore, it is better to engage in behavioral therapy rather than drug treatment.

If you are able to explain to a child that his fears are just a feature of his nervous system, his hormones. This will help the child not to despise himself. And will betray some self-confidence. Although sometimes in this case cowardice is elevated to a principle - I am a coward, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Of course, it is necessary to exclude scary stories, scary movies, scary books, and any horror films in general, as they can create months-long fears and further enhance the body’s cortisol responses.

You can try to give your child a harmless vitamin and say that this is a potent medicine that, in case of danger, causes anxiety, palpitations, and weakness. Then the boy will consider his natural cortisol experiences to be a side effect of the drug and pay less attention to them.

However, something else is most effective. According to our biology, we are supposed to live in a circle of friends who are ready to come to our aid in a dangerous situation. In modern society, children are usually deprived of such support groups. However, if you organize a section or club for your child where he can find real friends, this will automatically increase the amount of serotonin in the frontal lobes of the brain, and the boy will feel much more confident. How to find such a section or children's club?

A timid child needs a gentle leader who does not yell, insult, or raise his voice. In addition, we need a children's team where the children practice working together to achieve a goal. Ideal for children's sports tourism. Much smaller are sections aimed at training individual skills, for example, figure skating or karate.

In order for a child to stop being shy in public, the theater is best suited. Almost every district house of pioneers (now these institutions have different names, but the essence has not changed) has theater studios. They take them there completely free of charge, and they also welcome boys with open arms. Important - a circle, club, section must be free. In fact, there are plenty of them, and then you can always do it. We have an opinion that if it’s free, it means it’s hack work. This does not work for children's clubs. Here it’s the other way around – you can’t work with children for a fee.

Perhaps martial arts classes - boxing, wrestling, karate - will help. A timid child activates mechanisms of compensation (this is good) or overcompensation (which is bad).

Compensation is working hard on your shortcomings. Play sports to become strong. Risky games to become brave.

Overcompensation works differently. It’s okay that I’m so frail and everyone laughs at me, but I have collected an amazing collection of bird feathers (stamps, coins, etc.). Sometimes such valor can be quite extravagant - one boy, for example, created a colossal collection of droppings, from an African elephant to a tiny shrew.

It is necessary to provide the child with something that could give him authority in the eyes of his comrades. This is individual for all children; it is difficult to give advice here. Some tell great stories, others skateboard, and others achieve high results in computer games.

And most importantly, know that a child’s shortcomings are only properties of the biology of his body, and not his depravity or depravity. Not the marriage of your upbringing. Be aware of these biological mechanisms. Try to explain this to your children too. They are not as stupid as they seem. And they can understand a lot if they want. Timid children generally tend to self-examine, so there will be no problems.

What to do if a child is being bullied? Absolute determination is required here; bullying can irreparably destroy a person. Bullying is chronic stress, it’s a lot of cortisol in the blood (by the way, this is very dangerous), it’s a constant horror that leads to numbness. Teenage chimpanzees who find themselves in a situation of bullying die very quickly. They just die. Children, of course, are more resilient, but is it worth conducting an experiment to see how much their health and psyche will be destroyed?

Therefore, we must act quickly and without sentimentality. For example, pick up from school. It is better not to study at all than to be in a state of constant overload.

Another option is to find older boys who will talk to the offenders in their own way. There is no need for physical violence here; in matters of dominance, everything is resolved through intimidation and humiliation. Of course, each such situation requires its own solution; unfortunately, it is difficult to give a universal recipe.

But we must remember that a child at school is in many ways like a prisoner in a zone - he simply has nowhere to go. By the way, this situation is brilliantly shown in the wonderful film The Karate Kid starring Jaden Smith.

Hello. my son will turn 5 years old in May. We have been living separately from dad for almost 4 years. In my family, too, there are only my mother, me and my sister. he's a favorite. very smart child. but lately we have started having problems. he began to say that he was a coward and wanted to be a coward. cannot give back when he is offended. gets scared when watching cartoons and runs into another room. emotions are often kept to oneself. refuses to go to kindergarten. He says that they are beating him there. When I offer to talk to the boy who offended him, he gets nervous and refuses. He has an excellent memory, he grasps everything on the fly. analyzes. but the fact that he can’t stand up for himself in life really upsets me! He rarely sees his dad, his husband rarely comes to visit him... I don’t know what to do anymore. We rarely yell at him, we try to explain everything calmly. but he became nervous and whiny. I often go on business trips and he stays with my mother. but when I'm in town. I try to stay at home more often and be with him. Until he was three years old, he was even a bully. and now he’s all so insecure, nervous, always afraid of everything! He says that he loves peace and quiet and doesn’t like it when people make noise. At home on its own it can be played all day long. began to assemble entire cities from LEGO. Sometimes you just can’t get out into the street.
How to explain to a child that this is bad? that you can’t be afraid of everyone and everything? Please, help!!!

Hello, Saltanat. It is your rejection of cowardice in men, it is your stereotype that a man (boy) should be brave, strong, a bully, etc. causes aggressive confrontation from your son. Abandon the outdated stereotype. You understand that in life everything is not so simple. There are times when the boy is active, and there are times when he wants peace and quiet. Isn't that the case with you? Now it has an inflection point, but precisely because you have created excess potential around it. Try not to explain anything to him, not to argue, but to agree with him. He says - I’m a coward, okay, now you’re a coward, but I know that you’re brave! and prove by recollection from his experience that he was brave. etc.

Of course, this is just superficial advice and a look at your situation, although it may help. The roots of the problem, of course, are deeper. But you need to work with this in person.

All the best

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Hello Saltanat! The child is 5 years old and 4 years old, you live without a dad and meetings with your dad are rare, in addition, you often go on business trips. Firstly, at this age, the child needs communication with his father so that the child can identify himself with a man, secondly, your business trips provoke the child’s fears that he has been abandoned, and thirdly, the child can join the fears of adults. Olga

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Hello Saltanat!

Very often a child reflects what is happening around him and to understand why he behaves this way, we must start with himself.

In addition, the boy grows up in a female environment, perhaps he lacks male influence.

Svetlana.

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Hello, Saltanat. It happens that children change during and after a 3-year-old crisis, sometimes during this crisis they do the opposite (i.e. parents convince the child of one thing, but he deliberately does everything differently, and at 3-3.5 years old this is possible considered as normal). And this should already be over, but it seems that your son did not pass this crisis by the age of 5, he lingered in it, and I strongly recommend that you contact a child psychologist. Perhaps there are other reasons for this behavior, something in the kindergarten or at home, but this can only be found out by working directly with the child, and you, or someone from his immediate environment. It would also be nice for you (and the rest of the family) to change your attitude towards the situation, stop focusing on it, and try to explain something to the child. He still won’t understand you, he won’t learn to defend himself, but he will get a complex that he is somehow different, wrong, and they are dissatisfied with him, and he will carry this feeling all his life. Try to accept him more as he is, allow him to be different, and wrong too. Or maybe you and your family impose too much standards of male behavior on him? The boy is small, it is difficult for him to maintain the standard, which may lead to a protest reaction. Or maybe he was really scared of something? Show him that you still love him, without judging his courage, ability to defend himself, etc., this will relieve at least some of the tension for him, and for you too, because he may begin to change. But be sure to show it to a specialist.

Best regards, Larisa.

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Hello, Saltanat! Since your son was quite cocky until he was 3 years old, it means that the absence of his father has nothing to do with it. Rather, I would suggest that at the age of 3 something happened in his life that he changed so radically. This is not necessarily something traumatic and negative; sometimes children are afraid of positive changes, and they also become a stress factor for them. We need to explore. For example, recently working with a 3.5-year-old child, his parents and I found out that the trigger for his stuttering was a trip to the sea (the child’s first in his life), which was full of joyful and positive impressions. But for an impressionable and sensitive psyche, even a very joyful event can cause stress. So we need to understand the reasons for such changes. The problem is that the child will not tell you this reason; here we need projective (drawing, etc.) research methods. Perhaps the reason lies in the area of ​​his relationship with you. Since you often leave, maybe he lacks your attention and reacts to this lack in this way. But these are all theories, we need to look into it in person. All the best, Elena.

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