When helping a friend, don't expect gratitude! When to expect gratitude
Incredible facts
We make some friends in early childhood, while other friendships develop later and grow stronger every year.
Although all our friends are very different, each of them is exceptional.
But often we take our friends for granted and forget to thank them for literally everything.
So what do you need to thank them for right now?
1. “Thank you for turning ordinary moments into extraordinary.”
Sometimes the most ordinary things become the most extraordinary things if you do them with the right people.
2. “Thank you for always giving me a push at the right time.”
A best friend is a person who will inspire you to be the person you always knew you could be. Keep this in mind. Someone who can turn your half-hearted attempts into something whole through kindness, dedication and teamwork is worth appreciating, because he is your guardian angel.
3. “Thank you for telling me the truth.”
Remember that honesty is not always what will help you get many friends, but these will be the most loyal friends. Too many of us prefer sweet lies to hard truths. But, in the end, it is undoubtedly much more beneficial to feel the pain of the truth than to be comforted by a lie. Best friends always tell each other the truth.
4. “Thank you for discussing many things with me.”
A huge number of problems in the world will disappear if we talk to each other, and not about each other. Therefore, always sincerely communicate with those closest to you, no matter how inconvenient and awkward it may be.
5. "Thank you for the compromises."
Best friends always meet in the middle, after all. When there is disagreement, they work out a solution that suits both parties. They come to a compromise rather than try to change their friend.
6. “Thank you for not interfering with other important parts of my life.”
A healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your happiness, your social relationships, your dreams, or your dignity.
7. "Thank you for your compassion."
Let their kindness and compassion remind you that what you give is what you get in return. Always give those around you the same “break” you get from the world on your “bad day”, and you will never regret it.
8. "Thank you for thinking about me."
Make small gestures daily to show your best friends that you care about them. Knowing that the person you care about also thinks about you means a lot.
9. "Thank you for the compliments."
It's nice to be praised, isn't it? Don't miss a single, even the tiniest opportunity to tell your friends how beautiful they are inside and out.
10. “Thank you for spending time with me.”
When you are truly important to another person, he will always find time for you, no excuses, no lies and broken promises.
Gratitude to friends
11. "Thank you for your attention."
The best gift you can give your friends is your full attention and participation. This is what best friends do for each other when they are together.
12. “Thank you for telling me when something is wrong with me.”
An incredible thing happens when we pay close attention to each other. We help each other heal, often even before pain occurs. The person who truly loves and knows you is the one who sees the pain in your eyes when others only see a smile.
13. “Thank you for trying to understand me.”
It is much easier to judge others than to try to understand, because understanding requires kindness and patience. But these “extra” actions are worth it.
14. “Thank you for not being like, ‘I know you better than you know yourself.’”
15. “Thank you for allowing me to make mistakes.”
Sometimes we choose to "be wrong" not because we are actually wrong, but because we value our relationships more than our pride.
16. “Thank you for supporting my decisions.”
Don't listen to those who tell you what to do. Listen to the few who encourage you to do what your heart already knows.
17. “Thank you for the warmth that I receive from you, even when we are not together.”
Best friends don't move away from each other, even if they don't see each other for a long time.
18. “Thank you for being with me through good and bad times.”
The people who support you in your darkest moments deserve to be there for you when you're at your best. In fact, in the most difficult moments of life, you will see who your true friends are.
19. “Thank you for knowing that I can’t always be strong.”
Sometimes we have to let our friends be sad. But this does not mean at all: “I don’t care about you.” It just says, “I struggle too.”
20. “Thank you for facing problems with me.”
The best friends are the ones who see your problems as their problems and don't let you go through them alone. Don't look for someone who will solve all your problems, look for someone who will go through them with you.
Words of gratitude to friends
21. “Thank you for finding a way out for me, even when it’s completely convenient.”
You never want to spend time with someone who only wants to be in your company when it's convenient for them. This is not at all what true friendship means.
22. “Thank you for wanting to be there for me.”
True friendship is never burdened with stressful promises and obligations. Best friends do what needs to be done for each other because they care and because they want to do it.
23. “Thank you for the ‘actionable’ conversations.”
When we characterize people based on their actions, we will never be fooled by words. Best friends don't just talk, they do.
24. “Thank you for believing in me.”
It's amazing how far you're willing to go when you have someone who believes in you.
25. “Thank you for your kindness in moments of falling.”
Return kindness for kindness. There are too many critics around us. Be an inspiration. A few sincere words of encouragement after failure are worth much more than endless praise in case of success. Be a blessing. Encourage those you care about. Take time to care. Let your words heal, not hurt.
26. “Thank you for your caring words.”
You can measure the happiness of any relationship by the number of scars on each couple's tongue, formed over the years by holding back angry feelings and harsh words.
27. “Thank you for accepting me as I am.”
A best friend is someone who knows who you are and loves you that way. Be yourself and the “right” people will love you for the real you.
28. “Thank you for making me feel comfortable.”
It is very important. To be the kind of person around whom people feel as comfortable as possible as they are.
29. “Thank you for enjoying my company.”
Many relationships go sour because we spend too much time pointing out each other's mistakes and not enough time to simply enjoy each other's company.
30. “Thank you for valuing my time.”
A best friend always values your time. Never waste your time on those who don't value yours.
31. “Thank you for showing how important my presence in your life is to you.”
Expressing gratitude is the simplest, but one of the most important things people can do for each other.
32. “Thank you for supporting me in making myself a priority.”
Remember that thinking about yourself first is not selfishness, it is self-awareness. This means that you need to remember to love yourself, too.
33. “Thank you for truly loving me.”
Nothing changes this world for the better like the love of one person for another. Invest in someone special today, and thank your friends who invest their love in you.
34. “Thank you for helping me love myself more.”
What you give to another person is actually what you give to yourself. When you treat those close to you with care and love, you feel loved too.
35. “Thank you for all the important little things you do.”
Pay attention to the little things, because when you miss a person, it's the little things that you miss.
36. “Thank you for your patience and forgiveness when I step on the throat of your song.”
No matter how kind and honest you try to be, there are still times when you hurt those closest to you from time to time. This is why patience and forgiveness are vital things.
37. “Thank you for not reminding me of the constant mistakes of the past and not turning them against me.”
Sometimes happiness in a relationship also means accepting the past, which cannot be changed. Sometimes we let go and find peace, and sometimes we hold on and make our lives miserable.
38. “Thank you for not expecting only ease from our relationship.”
Healthy relationships don't just happen, they take time, patience and two people who truly want to work together to create something meaningful and lasting.
39. “Thank you for giving me the privacy and space I need.”
Sometimes it's great to spend time alone. You should know what it's like to be alone.
40. “Thank you for being who you are.”
How do you feel when, in response to your help, you receive it, and not at all what you expected? According to my observations, ingratitude is a fairly common phenomenon.
Today I want to discuss it with you.
How often do you say “thank you” to other people? Do you have a habit or even a need to give thanks for any little thing or, on the contrary, do you prefer to devalue other people’s help rather than bear the burden of gratitude?
Or maybe you combine both traits to one degree or another: for example, crumbling in front of strangers for a trifle, but devaluing the significant help of loved ones?
Have you ever wondered why this happens? Why do people often not see or do not want to see good intentions towards them? Why is it that so often a person who has done great good ends up being the target of accusations and insults from the person he helped?
An example is Alexander Borisov, the creator of a famous project - a man who devoted a lot of time and effort to helping bloggers develop their business, motivate them, and also created extremely useful products (both paid and free) and receives a huge number of positive reviews every day .
Recently, while wandering around his website in search of information on the next questions, I decided to look into the comments to some articles. I was surprised by the number of ungrateful statements and reproaches towards the author. Regarding the fact that his content became useless, that he started doing nothing but advertising, and so on, so on, so on...
And this was written by people who have been following the development of the project for a long time, studying the courses presented and, I suspect, receiving regular feedback on their problems (online technical support is organized on the website for this purpose).
Question: why do people often not appreciate what they are given?
At first I was indignant, and then I drew parallels with myself. Not in relation to Alexander, but in relation to my loved ones: sometimes I am not only helped out, but also burdened by other people’s help. It’s both a burden and a relief at the same time, can you imagine? Does this happen to you? Please write in the comments!
In the meantime, in response to the question posed above, I want to give a parable.
Two wanderers were walking along the road. Everyone had their own bag of grievances, quarrels, sorrows and failures behind them. They walked for a long time until the first one decided to sit down and rest:
And the second wanderer helped: he put some of the contents into his bag, threw some into the river, and made some easier with participation and advice. As a result, it became easy for both of them to walk.
The first wanderer threw off his remaining belongings and ran away. And the second one followed. Soon he sees: his friend is barely trudged ahead, and behind his shoulders is a huge bale. He himself (the first wanderer), burning with anger and hatred, attacked the second:
- Why did you help me? It’s even harder for me now than before! (His bag contained gratitude)
And with these words, the first wanderer dropped his load and ran away again. And the second one barely trudged on - his bag became several times heavier.
On the way he met a sage. Surprised and annoyed by the injustice, the wanderer told the sage about what had happened and asked why this happened?
This is what he heard in response:
- My friend, when you helped your fellow traveler, you saved him from many hardships. However, at the same time you put a burden of gratitude on him. But not everyone can bear this burden. Many try to get rid of it with hatred and malice.
Friends, everyone will understand this parable in their own way. I'd really like to hear your opinion.
I formed mine several years ago after two significant events in my life:
The first is an unpleasant situation in which my desire to help a stranger turned into a great danger for me. Since the story is closely related to the theme of pity, I will describe it in more detail in another article.
The second is repeated situations at work when, while helping a colleague do her work, I found myself “extremely”, and even began to feel guilty myself. I had to learn to say “no.”
I am not saying that you should never, under any circumstances, help people.
I can say one thing: if you help, don’t expect gratitude in return. On the contrary, say “thank you” for the opportunity to help him and thereby feel good and needed (after all, this is the main motive of a helper, although many do not realize it).
You, firstly, will remove the burden of gratitude from him and will leave only warm feelings for you, and, secondly, you will not feel disappointment if there is no response.
A parishioner once approached a priest I knew with the question: “Father, can I not do good deeds?” The priest's face showed bewilderment. “The thing is,” explained the parishioner, “that as soon as I start doing good deeds, I immediately start to feel bad, but no matter how much I don’t do it, everything is fine. So maybe I shouldn’t do them at all?” “Well, we need to think about it,” answered the priest. And after they thought together, the parishioner began to do even more good deeds.
We often hope that when we do a good deed, we will certainly receive good in return. When we encounter meanness, deceit, and unmercifulness, we come to annoying disappointment: “How can this be? I tried my best for the sake of others, and in return I got this!” Counting on gratitude will certainly result in disappointment.
And, alas, this is exactly how it should be. This is the rule of life, not the exception. If we expect something else, it means that we have not read the Gospel carefully: “If you love those who love you, what is that to you? for sinners also love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what gratitude is that to you? for sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to get it back, what gratitude are you for that? for even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount. But you love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing; and you will have a great reward, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father is merciful” (Luke 6:32–36).
In general, when talking about genuine love for people, it is always important to remember that this love is selfless. This means that when we help our neighbors, we should not expect anything in return.
The Lord Jesus Christ speaks about it this way: “When you make lunch or dinner, do not invite your friends, nor your brothers, nor your relatives, nor rich neighbors, lest they invite you and you receive reward. But when you make a feast, call the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed because they cannot repay you, for you will be rewarded at the resurrection of the righteous” (Luke 14: 12-14). Of course, the words of Christ do not mean at all that we are forbidden to treat our family and friends to dinner, but the Lord calls us to more - to show such love in relation to other people that is not guided by earthly calculations.
There is amazing freedom hidden in selfless mercy towards others.
In unselfish charity towards others lies an amazing freedom, when you are not tormented internally: “When will they thank me?”, but you rejoice in helping others, and in this self-giving you find spaciousness in your heart, some kind of internal source of pure and bright feelings. In this regard, mercy becomes completely understandable and natural in the life of a Christian: he cannot help but do good, no matter what happens.
Let us recall the example of , who during the First World War took on the most difficult work in the hospital, assisted during operations, made bandages, comforted the wounded in every possible way and sought to alleviate the suffering of the sick. They said that the Grand Duchess emanated a healing power that helped them endure pain and agree to difficult operations. What was the earthly reward for all this? In the dead of night on July 18, 1918, Grand Duchess Elisaveta Feodorovna, along with other members of the imperial house, was thrown into the shaft of an old mine. When the brutal executioners pushed the Grand Duchess into the black pit, she said a prayer given by the Savior crucified on the cross: “Lord, forgive them, they don’t know what they’re doing!”
She began to pray intensely. And a miracle happened - the parents stopped drinking. But her son started drinking.
Here is the story of our time. One woman had difficulty raising her child after the death of her husband. She managed to get a job at a rich man's enterprise, where she seemed to be in a privileged position - in the personnel department. But she didn’t really have to work there: the owner asked her to babysit his two young children. Here her teaching talents were revealed. Only now the owners gradually began to degrade. Constant parties and buffets, typical of many rich people, made them addicted to alcohol, not only the father of the children, but also the mother. They increasingly left their children in the care of a precious nanny, and in the summer they left them altogether and flew to overseas lands. The nanny, seeing that the addiction to alcohol was mercilessly invading the lives of the parents of the children she was raising, began to pray intensely. Feeling sorry especially for the little ones, she prayed fervently, with hope and strong faith. A miracle happened - my parents stopped drinking, they stopped drinking completely. No less surprising was the fact that after this her own son began to drink. At the same time, the pay for the work was rather meager. The moment came when she decided to leave, but the children’s mother, having learned about this, begged her to stay. “We will die without you,” she said and now began to pay the nanny extra every month. After some time, the owner himself learned about the surcharge. Losing his temper, he immediately fired her from her job, and her pension turned out to be the most meager.
So about the suffering, crowned with success and leading to temptations in their personal lives, they were rewarded with cruelty. For a Christian this is not surprising. We must treat other people’s malice towards us, other people’s malice, like the hissing of poisonous snakes, not just calmly, but even with some understanding. What else should a person do who is deprived of the light of the Gospel? Only as one walking in darkness. And whoever walks in darkness “does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes” (1 John 2:11).
A true Christian helps the needy and distressed simply and naturally, without noticing the good deeds he does: “When you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing” (Matthew 6:3). He helps as if it were necessary for him.
“It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35), says the Savior. Alas, we often want, if we give, to give in such a way that we can then accept for it, and receive in excess. Unfortunately, help can be both selfishly calculating and crafty - for self-justification.
He who has genuine love does good without thinking about retribution, revealing in himself the image of the Lord, Who gives everything to people for free. Those without love calculate who owes whom more. This is no longer a gift, but a calculation and a paid service. Such a person, having done something for nothing to others, tries, as it were, to buy their freedom, so that they work for his help, and expects something in return, such as interest on the money invested in the bank.
A Christian is one who does good only because he cannot help but do good. This is his normal natural life. “Then there is true and sincere love, when someone loves us, despite the fact that we are completely useless for those who love,” said St. John Chrysostom.
And the Lord Jesus Christ taught about this as follows: “Which of you, having a slave plowing or shepherding, upon his return from the field, will say to him: go quickly, sit down at the table? On the contrary, will he not say to him: prepare my supper and, having girded yourself, serve me while I eat and drink, and then eat and drink yourself? Will he thank this servant for carrying out the order? Don't think. So you too, when you have done everything commanded you, say: We are worthless servants, because we did what we had to do” (Luke 17: 7-10).
How important it is to understand that no one owes us anything. But we ourselves are debtors to God.
How important it is to understand that no one owes us anything. But we ourselves are debtors to God. does good for the sake of good itself, without expecting praise or reward, and since the source of true good is God Himself, earthly ingratitude means absolutely nothing except that it helps to once again remember eternal values. By doing for the sake of Christ, we can only receive from Christ, and only if our soul is worthy of it.
And one more important point. By doing for the sake of love, a Christian receives a reward in love itself, because having love is already a great happiness, as anyone who has experienced true love at least once in their life will confirm.
The sage Takuan had many followers. Among them was an old man whose name no one remembered. He was a little eccentric. One day he sent his servant to Takuan to invite the master to a meal after the ceremony.
No matter how modest my food may be, I want Takuan to taste boiled rice with barley in my house,” the old man said to the servant.
Takuan, who loved this dish, readily accepted the invitation and went to visit the old man. There he was offered a large plate full of rice and barley porridge. The old man didn’t have any seasonings for his porridge.
Usually unpretentious, Takuan this time thought: “Won’t the old man serve any salting with the rice?”, but there was no time to ask questions, since his mouth was occupied with delicious porridge.
The old man sat calmly in front of the guest, waiting for the end of the meal. When the sage's belly was full, he stood up to leave, but the old man stopped him and asked:
Takuan-san, I treated you to boiled rice, and you leave without even thanking me. Do monks do this?
- You invited me to taste boiled rice with barley. You didn’t invite me to say “thank you,” Takuan answered without hesitation and quickly left the house.
This answer offended the old man, and he decided to take it out on Takuan someday.
One day the old man wondered how he could catch the sage at his word. At that very moment Takuan ran into his house and exclaimed:
- It’s pouring like buckets outside! Please lend me an umbrella and geta (wooden shoes).
The old man was glad to have the opportunity to get even and very politely offered him what he asked for. The old man was sure that this time Takuan would thank him, but this did not happen again. Takuan quickly left the house and soon sent a young monk to return the things he had taken.
A few days later, Takuan and the old man met for tea. The old man decided that it was time to talk about everything, and began from afar:
- You were unlucky that day when the rain caught you outside, weren’t you?
- Yes, no luck. I hope the young monk returned your umbrella and geta!
- Of course, I returned it. “That was very kind of you,” said the old man, noticing that he himself was involuntarily thanking Takuan.
Takuan sat opposite the old man and smiled. The old man could hold back no longer and blurted out:
- Takuan-san, you are poorly brought up. You could at least say thank you to me!
“If I say “thank you” to you, then I will pay off my debt to you,” Takuan said in a calm voice. - I always silently thank you and never forget your kindness. If a person expects gratitude for his kindness, this is not real kindness. You should not expect to witness the joy of others and hear their praise. Good deeds in themselves should give you pleasure, and at the same time, giving something to others or helping them should not expect a reward. This is true kindness.
You are deceiving yourself if you do something good out of vanity or self-righteousness. In doing so, you allow delusion to enter into you. People are prone to selfishness. When doing a favor for others, they seek to receive something in return. Anyone who does not see the difference between kindness and interest understands nothing about people. If you do good based only on your own self-interest, you are making a mistake. If you try to help others with every action you take, you will never be disappointed.
* * *
...Don't expect gratitude. Do not wait!
An unkind word, a tossed coin -
Please!...
If it's ahead
You see neither joy nor light -
When the wings failed in flight -
You will fall and start wallowing
Alternately - in puddles - and in dust -
Having trampled laws - and broken oaths -
They will lift you up, bathe you, whitewash them -
In misfortune, grief, stupidity - and fornication -
Your home, your friends, your Earth
They will forgive - they will not push away or judge...
When, having cut the pie into slices,
Dividing each piece into crumbs,
I want to be clean and good -
And contrary to my gut - to do good -
When there is light around, warmth in the chest -
Soaring above the world in a rainbow glow -
Don't wait - no kindness, no compassion -
Don't expect applause or gratitude.
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