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The wife went to her mother-in-law with the child. The wife and child went to their parents. Should you fight for the relationship or let it go? Reasons for family destruction

The wife went to her mother-in-law with the child. The wife and child went to their parents. Should you fight for the relationship or let it go? Reasons for family destruction

There are no situations in life that cannot be resolved with benefit for all participants in the events. Thinking people try to analyze and understand why everything happened. What conclusions must be drawn in order not to try to enter the same river twice? Fools continue to make mistakes, stepping on the rake again and again. Smart people learn from the mistakes of others. When his wife and child leave, any man wonders what to do next? Is it worth returning the one who runs away from the sinking family ship? Or is it better to leave everything as it is and not run after her? To understand this puzzle, you need to understand what family relationships are built on. What reasons prompted the woman to take such a serious step?

Was there love

Bouquets, sweets, vows of eternal love - everyone goes through this at least once in their life. For some, this period drags on for decades, but most people resign themselves to the drab routine of everyday life. Was there love? It is often confused with completely different feelings.

Jealousy. The desire to undividedly possess a person, the need for every minute control - is often confused with love.
A pity. Sometimes people feel sorry for those around them, falsely perceiving it as love. So you can feel sorry for a hamster that is tired of it, but it’s a pity to throw it away because it will die. In such cases, a far-fetched understanding of responsibility plays a fatal role.
Habit. Good, warm, satisfying - we go with the flow, protecting ourselves, trying not to get caught up in the whirlwinds of passions and emotions. A convenient model in its own way that suits many people. You can live your whole life this way, unless you meet along the way... true love.

All these factors play a key role when you unexpectedly encounter a situation in which a wife and child leave the family.

Is it worth returning

This is the main question you need to ask yourself first. If love reigns in your little world, you can forgive everything. In this case, it is worth returning the woman. If there is no love, you are bored to death of each other - think about it, maybe your wife’s departure is your chance to start everything from scratch. In what cases is it better not to save the family:

if your life has turned into one continuous scandal;
every little thing ends in bickering, tears, screams;
the wife does not evoke any feelings other than irritation, anger, aggression;
your spouse has not shown you signs of attention for a long time, being interested only in the financial component of family life;
a woman constantly flirts with other men, making you jealous, and after scenes of jealousy she accuses you of scandal;
you feel that you are unable to restrain yourself, and it will come to assault.

These are bad signals that indicate that there is no happiness in your home. But even in this case, remember 2 things:

no matter how your relationship with her develops, you are a father. Children love dad, you should give them every support;
seek help from a family psychologist; perhaps your wife decided to leave the family with the child because she feels the same as you. A specialist will help you figure out how to behave and what to do next.

Causes

Family life is based on the desires, ambitions and interaction of two people. In most cases, both are to blame for the breakup. There are the most common reasons why a woman is ready to take her children and leave her home.

The power of the husband. If a man tries to subjugate his wife’s life, controlling her every step, sooner or later everything will end in flight. How quickly the relationship breaks down depends on the character of the wife. Quiet, downtrodden girls, who, out of fear of loneliness or due to upbringing, succumb to addiction, are ready to put their interests, careers and all of themselves at the feet of a not always loving, but very domineering husband. In his face she wants to see protection, love, an established life. For this, a woman is ready to do anything. Often her dream turns into a duty, and her closed world into a prison.
Spouse's addictions. This is a pathological case. Where there is alcohol or drug addiction there cannot be a normal family. There are no women who like to look at a man who drinks and sinks every day and see his powerlessness. Unless, of course, she's doing the same thing. The morning “amber” doesn’t add any points to it either. Alcohol or drug abuse leads to:
- to personality degradation;
- lack of livelihood;
- domestic violence.

These arguments can break even strong relationships. After futile attempts to restore the former harmony, the woman will leave her husband and take the children. He can only blame himself for this.

Domestic violence often stems from the first two factors. What makes a man beat his wife and children or harass them mentally?
- diffidence;
- lack of self-sufficiency;
- the desire to establish itself at the expense of the weaker.

Can a woman live with such a man? Perhaps at first, yes. She will have hope that things will change soon. But this cannot continue for long. Sooner or later, the instinct of self-preservation and preservation of offspring will give its result. The family will be destroyed.

Constant betrayals. Many men consider themselves polygamous creatures. Their significant other probably doesn't like it. Arguments such as fear for the health of children and financial costs beyond the interests of the family will make a sensible woman think about what to do next. In some cases, the wife is ready to tolerate her husband’s infidelity if he is a caring father and provides well for her and the children. This happens to couples who have lived together for a long period. At first, the wife painfully endures her partner’s new romances, but, having made sure that he does not want to leave the family, she gets used to it and does not pay attention to them. The man continues to behave the same way. This happens until another person appears in her life.
New feelings. Women are less likely to be able to break off family relationships due to inflamed passions. This happens when a marriage was built on respect, affection, or if the husband managed to annoy him well. Great love can break old relationships built without fire. In the case when the new chosen one really loves a woman and finds an approach to her and her children, the chances of breaking up the marriage rapidly increase.
Sexual incompatibility. If in youth the sexual needs of a couple coincided, in adulthood, under the influence of hormonal changes, appetites can differ greatly. The woman makes her husband hear herself, and he waves him off in response. At this moment, a partner who turns up and is ready to satisfy the desire and get married can solve the problem not in favor of marriage.
Irresponsibility. There is a category of men who remain boys even at 50. They are accustomed to putting their interests and every minute desires above the interests of the family. If a woman is afraid to leave her baby with her husband, who sees no one but himself, a breakup is inevitable. The wife is looking for support in a man. She doesn't need another child. One day, she gets tired of it, and her wife and children leave home.

Reaction

The first thing a man feels is a blow to his pride. Rare representatives of the stronger half of humanity are ready to sit down and analyze the reasons for the breakup. Most abandoned husbands, instead of thinking about what to do next, are ready to succumb to emotions. Here are the feelings most often caused by the departure of a wife and child:

resentment;
anger;
self-pity;
desire for revenge;
hatred;
the desire to break away from reality with the help of alcohol.

Someone is looking for his wife to start a scandal. Some people develop hatred in their hearts, which blinds them and prevents them from adequately assessing the situation and taking the right steps. You need to pull yourself together and think about the true reasons for what happened. In order to understand what to do, sit down and listen to yourself and your desires.

Solutions

Answer yourself a series of questions:

Do I love my wife;
Am I behaving correctly towards her and the children?
how could I offend her?
have there always been difficulties in relationships or have they appeared recently;
Do I want my wife and children to return;
am I ready to admit my guilt in this situation;
have I done everything to fully provide for my loved ones;
Am I ready to not make such mistakes in the future?

It is worth understanding how serious your spouse’s intentions are. Often a woman leaves the family in order to prove her readiness for drastic action if the family puzzle is not resolved in her favor. Whether this path is justified depends on the situation itself. Sometimes leaving is a drastic action that burns bridges. After a little analysis of your feelings for your spouse, you need to develop a strategy and strictly follow it.

What to do

There are several steps that need to be taken.

In cases where the problem lies in alcohol addiction or excessive attention to female representatives, decide what is more important to you: family, alcohol or other women. If your addictions are stronger than you, give your wife peace, she has the right to happiness. Family is more valuable - say goodbye to a bad habit, religiously keeping your promise to your spouse. Perhaps this is the last chance to save yourself and not slide into a deep abyss of degradation.
Invite your wife to the negotiating table. Children should not suffer in any way during your cold war. Tolerantly and politely discuss with her how and when you can see them and what you are willing to do for them. Listen to the essence of her complaints and reasons for leaving. Explain to your children that you and your mother are having difficulties in your relationship, but you still love them and remain a caring father. It is desirable that this be so not only in words, but also in deeds. If you want to return a spouse who left the family, this will be an important argument in your favor.
A scandal and the desire to arouse pity in a woman are extremes that will once again make her disappointed in you. They will finally convince you of the correctness of leaving such a man. Don't do such nonsense.
Show her signs of attention, but try to do it without excesses or pressure. Take care of your family as if nothing happened. Offer financial assistance and psychological support. Don't miss the opportunity to help with housework.
Don't manipulate children. If you threaten a woman with taking away her children, this will be a final and irrevocable collapse. She will automatically add you to the list of enemies. Any mother is ready to turn into an aggressive tigress if someone encroaches on her children. This is the worst thought that can come into your head.
Try to fulfill her wishes, if they are reasonable. It is better to use neutral territory to discuss your problems and find ways to solve them. After your wife leaves the family, invite her to a cafe or restaurant. Bring in a little romance. Perhaps this can stir up your own feelings. Try to move for some time to the candy-bouquet period. This strategy will help you overcome the merciless life.
If the problem is sex, start with yourself. Visit a specialist. There are always ways to solve this problem. There would be a desire.

Important! A woman must understand that no matter what, you remain a reliable, decent and strong partner, a loving husband and a caring father. You are capable of steering the family ship through the storm. If you provoked the breakup, your spouse will be able to forgive and come back. Such husbands are not tossed around.

Summarizing

She still decided not to return? Remember the main thing:

you gave each other wonderful moments;
you have children together, which means that you are, in a sense, related by blood;
no one knows how your life will turn out next;
in difficult life situations you relied on each other.

Therefore, behave like a civilized, well-mannered person. Refuse the temptation to send your wife around the world by taking away your property. There is nothing more disgusting than a greedy man. Maintain friendship, respect, good relations with your ex-other half. And most importantly, if you still love her, do not give up hope for the revival of the family. The woman you love needs to be won over and over again, at any age and in any situation. Doing good to your loved ones is a pleasant mission.

Question for a psychologist:

Hello! I'll try to make it short. My wife and I met in November 2014 (I’m 36, she’s 27) and immediately began to live together, as usual, we fought, made up, in general, life was in full swing, I didn’t pay attention to many of her actions, sometimes she’s crazy (you see, she doesn’t help when I cook, and my job at that time was free, I had more time and there were no problems meeting my future wife from work for dinner). The first call happened for the New Year, she went with a colleague to the homes of employees congratulating the kids and for two days he picked her up drunk when she called, on the third day I worked out of town and just couldn’t get through for half a day, in the end she arrived drunk and with two men at my house , as colleagues later found out. What then began, feigning great sorrow, rolling on the floor, grimacing, squeezing out tears, I was of course very surprised. Then, of course, I didn’t attach any importance to this, it turned out that she called her parents, probably complained, I don’t know, but the fact is that her parents became aware of this event. Forgave. Life continued to boil, as usual they quarreled, swore, made up, sex, etc. everything was like everyone else. February 2015 came at the beginning of the month, her father lost a land dispute (by the way, we met at their dacha when I came to take measurements), and he had to dismantle the bathhouse, as I now remember his words “there are a lot of specialists, but they didn’t help,” unfortunately in In the land dispute in our country, whoever is first is right, and disputes last for years, but here in one process. In general, I felt some kind of chill, resentment for my father from my companion, because he had to not only dismantle the bathhouse, but also pay some money in court. On my birthday at the end of February they decided to introduce my parents, mine was at school, I started cooking and preparing for the table, my half arrived, and reacted sharply to my request for help, like a psycho, we quarreled then, but still found the strength release everything on the brakes and everything went fine. Time passed, gradually melted the sediment left over from February, helped, supported. I started helping her father with the bathhouse, with dismantling and moving the foundation, took her to St. Petersburg for the May holidays, summer came, one weekend we went to their dacha (her father’s birthday), her dad immediately got her some moonshine, we started celebrating with him and here mine provoked a conflict with the neighbors, I tried to smooth out the situation, calm everyone down, but I received it and naturally responded, a fight ensued, because... My opponent is twice my size, so naturally he carried me around the ground while my father and I were just watching all this. That same summer, a completely unpleasant incident happened; when I arrived at the dacha again, I immediately began to listen to her mother’s lectures, because... We had not been together for a relatively long time, but quarrels between us were naturally present, I did not attach any importance to this then, I was in love. Then another thing happened, with her ex they were buying an apartment at one time, her father added a little, she took out a little on credit and when they ran away, and they ran away badly, she was asked to take part of the money (she said it herself), she refused and began she had a lawsuit over this apartment, when we met they were in full swing, I remember how she wanted to wrest this apartment from him, all my admonitions about leaving it, giving it away, forgetting it, just move on with your life, didn’t make any sense then, it was obvious with what frenzy and anger all this took place. As a result, the process was lost, tears, snot, and again we had to return her to the tranquility of life together. That same summer, somehow quickly pushing me towards pregnancy, were hints from her mother that reached me unobtrusively from my future wife, and on our next party (we often allowed ourselves this, in the evenings while watching films), there were guests, in the evening I They took it weakly, and since I was already old and had worked up, naturally I wanted children, so we ended up getting pregnant. The time came for the wedding, I took out a loan, celebrated, and at the family council they decided to make partial repairs using the donation and pay off the loan gradually. No sooner said than done. My father and I did the renovation ourselves, gradually, over 4.5 months, slowly choosing materials, traveling all over the city, and none of us imagined the beginning of the end. The economic crisis was in full swing, but I still had some small deals with real estate, got involved with builders, paid off a loan, brought food home, prepared for the birth of a boy, WAITED. And then the moment, March 2016, I took my wife to the maternity hospital, the birth was difficult, I did not leave her side for a day, a week later I met her, everything was ready for the arrival of the new addition to the family, both the crib and clothes, in general, we prepared in advance. I helped everyone, prepare, clean, every doctor together, of course they still quarreled (I remember the first time they bathed the baby, I prepared the water and they showed me that the water was hotter than it should be), but somehow everything quickly fell into place, I of course noticed a cooling and in during pregnancy after the wedding, but the child thought everything would work out. Out of boredom, without any understanding on the part of my wife, that I also wanted some kind of attention from her, in the evenings I would often sit alone with a beer in my hands, while my wife put the child to bed, finished her business, and already needed to sleep. We lived at this pace until the summer, all my sales finally stopped, construction companies began to go bankrupt and did not pay money, the question arose of how to pay off the loan, I started looking for work, but at that time there was simply no work on the labor market, I asked my own my wife to help me with the loan payment was refused. At the beginning of the summer of 2016, having quarreled with my father through another complaint against me, I went to the dacha with my son (I saw the child only two months later), what a summer it was, I climbed the walls out of loneliness, borrowed money from my parents and drank, boozed, boozed. As a result, I sold the car, paid off all my debts, the loan, and invited my wife to pay off her loan too, so that there would be no debts left in the family, she refused (strange), but trust had already been lost, the scales fell from my eyes, I already I clearly felt relegated to the last roles, in front of me there was a child and her parents, now I already understand the nature of her complaints about me, and from that moment the scandals began to intensify, I could no longer tolerate the indifference towards me as it had been before, insults appeared , when I began to notice that they were essentially hiding a lot from me, including making it clear that I would not put my hands on her money (but I never asked her and did not live off her funds, I always found a way out at home there was everything), her petty lies about nothing, sexual cooling, etc. The quarrels were already of a universal nature, they flared up over a trifle, insults were thrown, before the summer of 2017 I caught my wife smoking several times, she was already breastfeeding her son 1, 2 times a day, my question why are you doing this always received a foaming answer at the mouth, that it seemed to me, I mixed everything up, etc., and at one fine moment, when my beloved and best wife was going to bed, she simply smelled of tobacco, naturally the same question followed, she began to raise her voice as usual to claim that she does not smoke (well, she smoked before pregnancy, but what was worth saying yes, sorry, the conflict would have been settled), I lost my temper and hit her on the foot, remember at the very beginning I wrote how she was lying on the floor, her wild cry even me I scared not only the child, but that’s where the “scum” came out of my head, after that 4 months I slept in another room, because... her next complaint to her parents, how good she is and he is evil and does not respect her, and even hit her for nothing (how does her father feel about me now, he only caught her on this after a while, but), after that, of course, I developed a closer relationship with alcohol, and although I still hoped for something, I tried to somehow improve our relationship, but as usual, in the summer, my son was taken away from me to the dacha. In the fall of 2017, the question arose about her going back to work, because... By this time, of course, I was already working; her payments were running out for up to 1.5 years and we could not live on my salary, although I earned some money in the summer and suggested that my wife pay her the same 15 thousand rubles. monthly, if they had lasted until April of this year, they would have decided what I didn’t suggest. My wife is a master of provocation and a bachelor of revenge, if I somehow tried not to pay attention to revenge, then to provocations, now it seems to me that everything was on purpose, sometimes after such provocations I could pull her braid or poke her in the hand (I know, not It was painful, it was offensive, yes, but it didn’t hurt, I always felt the strength and didn’t cross the line), such a wild shout began: “help”, “they’re killing”, not only the child was scared. Like washing the dishes, it all started with little things, without insults, but then my wife had to tell me a hundred, for her, half of her management (and she works in a men’s team) will be “stirring”, she received a heavy slap on the ass, after that how usually, rolling on the floor, calling my parents that I broke her spine, what then was communicated to her parents. YES I’M GUILTY, I NEVER REMOVE MY GUILTY, but I never gave up trying, I found money, set the table, bought flowers for her birthday, didn’t come from the dacha, found money, bought flowers for all the women, didn’t come from my parents , always when she came on the weekend, there was always dinner, you’d meet me and prepare it, every morning he offered to sleep, and I’d take care of my son (I lived with my parents during the week, because my grandmother and her son were staying there, and it’s not convenient to drive to the other end of the city every morning. , although I offered her mother to live with us during the week, and the option with my father, that he would come to our house for a couple of days a week and relieve her mother, whatever I offered), but it seemed like she didn’t need it! !! I could write a lot more, but I’m tired, mentally and physically. RESULT. She went to her parents with the child, wanted to file for divorce, but for two months she still hasn’t filed, and hasn’t taken out her things. My parents crossed themselves, they were shaking when she called and complained, her parents, you know, especially her father hates her. I went to the hospital under enormous stress, I haven’t drunk for two months now, I see my son regularly, but I don’t participate in his upbringing. The most disgusting thing is that my wife never admits her mistakes. So is it worth fighting, or letting go of the situation and be as it will be.

Psychologist Olga Timofeevna Skarban answers the question.

Hello, Vladimir. Thanks for your question.

Vladimir, whether it’s worth fighting or not, only you and no one else can decide. Letting go of the situation on the principle of “let it be as it will” is not the best option; it is fraught with the fact that this situation will not go at all the way you want. It would be more useful to understand why this happens? what can you do in this situation (what depends on you)? and what do you actually want? In turn, I can only give you my view of the situation. Perhaps this will allow you to see something you didn’t notice before and make a decision for yourself.

First, think about what keeps you in this relationship? What's good about them for you? What do you get in them? How/whom do you feel in them? That is, think about the benefits to you in this relationship. What's stopping you from leaving, what's stopping you? (What thoughts, feelings, etc.) What exactly are you afraid of losing in this? You already have experience living separately from your wife and child. How do you feel without them? Problems with alcohol, stress, the fact that you were “climbing against the wall” - is it because your wife left? or is it more because of the protracted difficult situation with his wife, quarrels with her, because of fatigue, that this situation is not being resolved at the moment? How do you think? Let's imagine that you have finally broken up. Will you feel better, calmer? What will you do, how will you live? Any plans for the future? How will your life turn out? The answers to these questions can help you understand: what exactly is keeping you and your wife together and is it worth it? There is such a thing as “codependent relationships”, perhaps this is the case in your case. That is, you cannot be without your wife, you have “merged” and “grown together” with her so much that even if you feel bad, you don’t have the strength to “come apart” - such is emotional dependence (this is no longer about love). In other words, there is no wife - and you don’t know what to do, what to do with yourself, it’s as if you don’t exist without her. And when they were left alone, they began to “climb the wall” and became addicted to another addiction - they exchanged their dependence on their wife for alcohol. If this assumption is correct, then it is very useful to work with a psychologist on the topic of addiction (especially since you are under severe stress). A person without addiction is a free person, and this is a completely different feeling.

In life we play many roles in different situations. But there are the most characteristic roles, those that are most often found in each of us, and with them our most habitual behavior. In your relationship with your wife, I see the roles of a “caring parent” and a “capricious child” (well, you understand who is who :)) You are like a caring dad: you look after, help, protect from adversity, solve problems, turn a blind eye to something, release the brakes, etc. Your wife’s behavior resembles the behavior of a child (teenager): insults, tantrums with rolling on the floor and screaming, smoking (or rather, not being willing to honestly admit it), constant complaints to your parents about you (sneaking), aggression (like a teenager), and it is even possible that she only threatened to file for divorce (as children often use blackmail and threats to attract attention to themselves, but do not take real action) And every child (teenager) needs a parent, an adult, ready to love, support, help, solve problems . And she found this image in you. How close is this idea to you? If there is something in this for you, then consider it. What does taking care of your wife give you? What do you get from this? How are you feeling? Why do you need this? Perhaps you like to be this way, express yourself this way, and this role suits you well. Then you can try to improve your relationship with your wife, and consciously play this role: it’s easier to relate to her behavior, and not try to change her (the child, what can you take from him). If this role is not for you, then what prevents you from not playing it, what prevents you from not being constantly caring and trying to hush up conflict situations? That is, if you stop being caring, what kind of person will you become? Does it have to be bad? By changing your behavior with your wife, you will give her the opportunity to become more responsible, mature, more restrained (after all, no one will solve her problems, “clean up” where she “inherited”). The question is will she want it? Is she ready to change her behavior? Are you ready to become an adult? After all, for her, her behavior is not “mistakes” (as you put it), but her way of living and satisfying her needs. She doesn’t know how to do it any other way, and perhaps she doesn’t want to know how. And if your wife is not ready to change anything, then this is her choice (she has the right), nothing can be done about it: either accept it as it is, or end the relationship completely (so as not to mock yourself). In themselves, these roles are neither bad nor good. The question is how effective they are in your situation. If not, then it’s worth changing them, but what is important here is the desire of two, time and patience. Or just quit this game.

If you are thinking about whether to return your wife, then most likely, somewhere deep in your soul you would like her to return. In order to develop a plan of action, you need to understand what reasons forced her to commit this desperate act.

Was there love?

One day, the husband returns home and the first thing that attracts his attention is the unusual silence. No one greets him at the door, the lights are turned off everywhere, and the aroma of hot food does not come from the kitchen. What's the matter? He walks around the apartment and notices that some of his wife’s personal belongings and her clothes are missing. What to do if your wife leaves?

This is serious stress for a man, even if there has been discord in the relationship for a long time. He could understand that the likelihood of his wife leaving was high. But when she finally decided to leave, she proved that her intentions were serious and her words could not be ignored.

But in peace and quiet it is better not to be influenced by negative emotions (“What does she allow herself to do?!”, “How dare she?”, “What does she think about herself?”, “Who, besides me, needs her like that?” ). Try to analyze how you feel. Psychologists advise you to remember how your relationship began. What attracted you to her?

It often happens that when we live with a person for a long time, we take many of his qualities for granted and stop appreciating them. So now is the time to understand what you value in her. Is she a faithful and devoted wife, is she a good cook, is her home clean and tidy? Or is she incredibly erudite, keeps up a conversation on any topic and always attracts attention in society? Or is she a creative person, a bright personality and always charges those around her with a good mood? Don't forget to tell her what you value about her when you decide to talk.

Should I bring my wife back?

If you really value this woman, then it is worth returning her. Unless, of course, she went to her mother or to a rented apartment, and not to another man. The departure of a wife, burdened by the presence of her lover, requires more time for reflection and a careful assessment of all the circumstances.

If you decide to return your wife, then be prepared:

admit where you were wrong;
tell why you love, appreciate, respect her;
propose a relationship resuscitation plan;
describe how you are going to change and work on yourself;
fulfill all the promises given to her, otherwise she will not return again.

The last item on the list is the most important. If you promise to give up bad habits that irritate her or change your lifestyle, and when she returns, everything remains the same, then she will no longer be able to trust your words.

In order for a wife to leave the family, taking the child with her, she needs compelling reasons. At the same time, she will more than once try to discuss them with her husband, make trouble, swear. That is, she will try in every way available to her to attract her husband’s attention to these problems.

The most common reasons

They say that the first time is an accident, twice is a coincidence, and the third time is a trend. A wife can forgive her husband for almost everything, only if it does not repeat itself with enviable regularity. Then patience will end.

Alcohol

Alcohol abuse. Moreover, systematic abuse. It is unlikely that she is pleased when it is not her loved one who returns home, but a foul-smelling, drunken body that requires care and attention. And then he suffers from a hangover, while the wife must meekly and with a smile on her face serve him aspirin and mineral water. She might go for it the first couple of times, but then it will annoy her.

Friends

Every person needs friends or at least company with whom they can sometimes spend time and take their mind off problems. But if such meetings happen too often, the wife may feel abandoned. She misses her husband's attention. And if there is a child in the family, then she is angry not only because her husband does not help her, but also does not devote time to his child, in fact, abandons him completely to her.

And if gatherings with friends are accompanied by drinking beer or stronger alcoholic beverages, this can increase the wife’s irritation. After all, men probably don’t count the amount they drink and often abuse it.

If there are a lot of single men in the company, then they can brag about their love affairs. Talking about their new girls and their charms, they can irritate even an exemplary family man. Surely a man will not feel very comfortable if he cannot also talk about his love exploits. And since he is unlikely to want to reveal the details of his intimate life, he will either have to invent something or find a mistress. It is unlikely that the wife will approve of this.

Mistress

When a husband has another woman in his life, the wife feels humiliated, betrayed and insulted. Forgiveness requires a lot of effort from her. And this does not always happen quickly.

If, having learned about her husband’s mistress, the wife leaves home, this means that she does not want to fight for her marriage and does not see the point in maintaining the relationship. If the husband wants to return his wife home in this case, then truly titanic efforts will have to be made.

Lover

If the wife left for another man, and even took the child with her, then she definitely does not see the point in continuing to live with her husband. Maybe she doesn’t see the point in trying to fix him or is tired of constantly struggling with bad habits, with the company of friends, or with her mistress.

But even if your wife has left for her lover, you can still try to get her back. But will you be able to live better after this and not remember the past?

Husband's serious illness

Unfortunately, no one is insured against illness or getting into an accident. Not every person can accept this circumstance. After all, caring for a seriously ill person is incredibly difficult, but noble. If at such a moment the wife leaves, then such betrayal cannot be forgiven. Probably there was no love, there was only calculation on her part.

Trouble with the law

To earn a lot of money honestly, you need to work a lot and hard. But we all want to earn a lot, quickly, without making much effort. And when a man wants to prove to his wife that he is capable of earning a lot, he agrees to the conditions of the scammers. As a result, the husband has to answer before the law for his actions. The people who put him up to it literally evaporate. In this case, the wife can leave, because problems with the law become the last straw that will overflow her cup of patience.

Or the man initially does not disdain illegal ways of earning money. Perhaps he even has a criminal record; his wife was once waiting for him from prison. And here he is again under investigation. For some, this way of life becomes normal; they don’t see anything terrible in waiting for their husband and delivering packages to him. But not everyone is ready for this. In this case, the wife leaves. And since her husband does not have the opportunity to communicate with her much in person, it is almost impossible to return her.

If you still decide to use all your might to return your wife, then take decisive action. Be prepared that she will not immediately make contact with you, will snap back or even insult you. If this happens over and over again, then she is simply not ready for reconciliation. Give her time and don't be offended. When she starts speaking calmly, the dialogue can begin.

Breaking the Deadlock

Starting to talk calmly and discuss problems is the way out of the impasse that the relationship has reached. Start from the beginning, that is, together remember how the relationship arose and developed, what was good. And how they ended up in a dead end.

Become the best version of yourself, make your life happier and more interesting

Promises have value only when they are kept. Discuss with your wife how you will live together, how to spend your time and be sure to follow the agreements.

Spend time together, go out into nature with your family, go to theaters and museums. Many entertainments are not they demand money. Walking in the park is free. And pampering yourself, your wife and child with ice cream is inexpensive.

Think beyond yourself

Think about your wife, about your family. Understand it. And learn to talk. When you start regularly discussing all problems as they arise, you will be able to solve them without losses.

“It’s better to raise children separately than to hold on to a failing marriage just for their sake.”

Roman Vinilov.

Hello! Roman Vinilov is in touch.

And today we have a much more complex topic than usual. Let's talk about what to do if a marriage in which there are children falls apart. I want to immediately divide the situation into two independent components: wife and children. You can communicate with children even after a divorce; for this you need to properly build a relationship with your ex-wife.

Sometimes it is the children who come to the fore, and the spouses live together precisely for their sake. Whether this is good or bad is everyone's choice, but logic dictates that if parents are unhappy together, their problems can affect parenting. This is a situation that is worth thinking about for a long time, and considering it from different angles. You need to try to separate for yourself the two aspects of marriage - wife and children - understanding that the relationship with your spouse comes first.

The wife left and took the children. Catastrophe?

Those who grew up in the 90s are well aware of the problem of fatherlessness. Many did not know their fathers, and some certainly had several friends who were raised only by their mother. It is not surprising that divorce and separate parenting are perceived extremely negatively in society today. But you need to understand that 15-20 years ago the situation in the country was completely different, and if someone was raised only by their mother, then something obviously happened to their father. Some abandoned their families and left for a better life, some drank too much alcohol or became a drug addict - and the mother broke off all relations with such a father. And some even went to prison, died from crime or in military service. That is, peaceful divorces, when everything was fine with both parents, were rare. Life was hard, and the future was vague, and even the biggest troubles in relationships were resolved without a break.

Now everything is different. Most marriages fall apart in the first years of their existence. Often children have already been born, and according to Russian judicial practice, they most often remain with their mother. But is it really that bad when parents get divorced? Of course, it is better for children to grow up in a complete family, and it is unknown who the ex will get along with and how the child will be raised. But in most cases, it is possible to agree with your ex-wife so that you do not interfere with each other’s parental responsibilities. This is much better than when the marriage rests solely on children. Prolonged discord between parents has an extremely negative effect on the child’s psyche. And vice versa - there are a huge number of stories in which ex-spouses manage to raise their children with dignity, and they love their father no less than their mother. In upbringing, the most important thing is personal example, but constantly being next to the child and trying to teach something.

According to the law, the ex-wife cannot prohibit the father from communicating with the children. If you are normal - you don’t drink, you’re not a drug addict, you don’t have problems with the law, you’re ready to help your children financially (including with alimony) - then you’re unlikely to have problems communicating and raising children. Of course, there are situations when the ex-wife behaves inappropriately: she tries to do everything to separate her ex-husband from the children, and turns them against him. But then one of the questions can be closed - why do you need such a woman. After all, we specialize in returns, but relationships with children are a more nuanced topic. Besides, time will put everything in its place, the children will grow up and understand everything themselves. And you can almost always establish communication with your wife and meet halfway if you have offended her in some way, for the sake of your offspring.

Therefore, it is worth thinking about what is more important: children or ex-wife? Do you love her? Do you think that she still loves you too, and you will be better together? Only honestly.

The wife left with the children. What to do?

In general, the situation with a divorce when there are children should be considered in the same way as a return in any other relationship. You can return it. And children in this case are an additional advantage. Just don’t tell her directly or even hint that no one will need her “with a trailer” - this is quite insulting and sounds like the words of an offended person. She must understand this herself.

Children are something that connects you, and do not serve as a tool for struggle.

They cannot be used as a tool. In the process of returning an ex-girlfriend or wife, a man who has achieved success in the first stages begins to communicate with his beloved again. And at this moment (if everything is fine), the girl has no negativity, and only positive memories pop up in her head. Everywhere she looks, everything reminds her of him. And in the eyes of her children she sees her husband, remembers how they played and spent time together - everyone was happy. This cannot be manipulated, but it is a powerful argument for restoring the relationship.

You must live separately. Of course, if she left with the child for another, this has already happened. But there are situations when a husband and wife separate, but continue to live under the same roof. This is a real cruelty, and the relationship cannot be restored this way. If she has nowhere to go, then go yourself. You are a man, and you have to find ways to earn as much as you need - your family is at stake.
Don't interrupt communication with your wife. Yes, in other cases, they most often advise complete ignorance, during which you need to work hard on yourself. But here the situation is different - she left with the children, and you can’t not see them.
Chat like friends. Completely exclude flirting and any hints. You broke up, you want to be a good father and are not going to return her, because divorce is her choice.
No conversations or showdowns. Your relationship is taboo. Politely avoid any conversations about you, mutual claims and debriefings. Any negativity should disappear. Return action is still a long way off.
Work on yourself. Start earning more (she will certainly notice this), develop comprehensively - read, study, take courses. Find new hobbies, make your life richer. Go to the gym and regain your physical youth.
Take part in raising children. Your divorce does not change anything - you do not cease to be the father of your children and have every right to take care of them. Children, even if they are small, are not as stupid as you might think. They understand everything, and some things can be explained. And if they are already teenagers, then divorce does not change anything. Today there are a lot of opportunities to always be in contact. Do not give money for children directly to your wife (if it is not alimony) - buy and pay for everything you need yourself.

If a wife is with a child, this is bad, but not fatal. A woman, other things being equal, will always choose the father of her children, and becoming better than another man is not just possible - it is your responsibility. What you definitely don’t need to do is enter into conflict with him.

What's next?

If everything goes well, then you yourself will notice changes in her attitude towards you. Your ex-wife will definitely begin to take an active interest in your new life and show other signs that she wants to return. But the return process is complex and thorny, and most importantly, it does not tolerate mistakes. It’s easy to do them: just relax a little and throw all your efforts back.

Therefore, study mine, come to the forum and tell your story (or read similar ones), and ask for personal advice. The situation when the wife left for another with children is difficult, but there is also a way out of it. Especially if you turn to professionals.

Best regards, Roman Vinilov.